The Weasels are kind of twisted in their sense of humor and I've got to say that I like it.
This afternoon Smallest Weasel asked me to make her a hot dog for lunch. I complied and served it to her before continuing to work around the kitchen. In a style that only a 4 year old can, she started to protest that she did not want to eat a hot dog.
"That's good, because I made you a hot cat instead"
"a hot cat?"
"Yup, I made you a hot cat"
And the as she proceeds to stick her fork into it (no buns for this girl and refuses to let anyone cut it up) I start to meow in pain. She starts to laugh and eat. With every bite I 'Meoooooow' and she can't get enough. When she is all through she says:
"Mom, I din't really eat a cat"(as if I hadn't known).
"No, but you did eat a cow or part of one(I buy all beef hot dogs).
"I ate a cow?"
"Yes, and they taste good. Tonight when you are sleeping you should hear 'moooooo' coming from you stomach".
"Well that or meow."
"Mom, I don't eat cats"
"Have you ever had any really good Chinese food?"
"Awww Mom, every time we go to the Chinese restaurant I order a kitty cocktail"(translation= kiddie cocktail)
At which point I bust out laughing. "what do you do when all the cat hair gets in your mouth?"
"Mom, they skin the cats first." What on earth was I thinking?
"And then what do they do?"
"They squeeze the cat juice out!" How did I not know this?
Well that's my laugh for the day.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
~ to quote the Evil Scientist of Phineas and Feb fame, Dr. Doofenschmirtz.
I usually try to keep it light and amusing around here, but today will not be light. We will be back to regularly scheduled blogging with the next post.
Claire Elaine Weasel
June 18, 2002 - July 2, 2002
A blogging friend has had the son of a close friend pass away. There is nothing amusing about that. But that has prompted me to post something I have been thinking should be mass distributed for a long time now. "A what not to do or say to grief stricken parents guide for dummies".
Some of you may know and some of you may not That Mr. Weasel and I are the parents of 6. Our daughter Claire passed away 6 1/2 years ago. Being the parent of a child who has died and working closely with SIDS of Illinois (feel free to make an online donation) ever since. At first receiving support that we needed to survive and now to help other parents to survive this tragedy, I have come across some stories of things people have said and done while trying to offer comfort that in actuality only caused more pain. So here are some helpful guidelines for you to keep in mind for future contacts with the grieving.
The only thing to say is "I'm sorry". After that you risk putting your foot in your mouth. People often feel the need to say something. Or the pressure to say anything. They wish to comfort, not harm, but often harm is the product. There is no bright side or silver lining to this situation. Parents that fresh in grief can see no positives and no future, do not try to make some up.
Examples of this include(and these are actual quotes said either us or other parents we've known):
Now that we have established some what to and not to say, here are some to do and what not to do.
I hope that you all bookmark this and save it for future reference. I do not expect a lot of comments. I am well aware of how this situation creeps people out and they avoid the topic like the plague, mostly because it is something they want to crawl away from as quickly as possible.
But sooner or later this won't be something that happens 'over there' to other people and will hit closer to home. At least now you will have some tools to use.
Monday, October 27, 2008
*editors note ~ the orb light above the kids I can't offer explanation for*
We all have heard about the dangers encircling kids while Trick or Treating. Authorities from Pediatricians to to law enforcement
to cheapskates have urged us to forgo the ritual of trick or treat in favor of a neighborhood party for the children. All in the name of sucking the fun out of Halloween urban legend the supposed safety of our children. So as my contribution to public awareness of safety precaution procedures I will share with you how we in Weaselville protect our children from possible harm on All Hallow's Eve.
Step one ~ One parent goes trick or treating with the kids. Around here Mr. Weasel takes the Weasels and a travel mug of 'something to keep Daddy warm', and heads off through the neighborhood. By sticking to houses that we know, we keep the kids safe and he ensures his mug gets refilled along his trek.
Step two ~ One parent stays home to hand out candy. I dress up pseudo menacingly(a hooded cape, some really pale make-up, dark shading under the eyes), set up the fire-pit in the driveway handing out candy and smiles to the wee little ones, jello shots to their parents(they deserve to get treats too) and giving the older kids a perfect Halloween scare. It's great and they love it! All you have to do to freak the older kids out is........ nothing. Just stare and don't speak. Slowly walk toward them with candy in hand while keeping your stare. Even the teens get creeped out. Some just walk away and say no thanks. This keeps your house from getting egged from lack of candy and means leftover candy for you.
Step three ~ No candy is to be consumed by children until it has been thoroughly inspected by the parents. Mr. Weasel and I always sort through the candy immediately after the trick or treating is done. We set aside anything that looks
delicious suspicious. Paying special attention to any candy combining both chocolate and peanut butter.
Step four ~ Do not alert authorities unnecessarily. Before calling the authorities about any suspicious candy, you must first make sure that it is not a false alarm. The best way to do this is to test the candy yourself. If you eat each and every piece of
delicious suspicious candy and don't die(other than from gluttony) there is no reason to alert law enforcement. You may have to throw yourself on top of that grenade, but the kids' safety is worth it.
Step five ~ give the candy a second inspection after the children go to bed. You can never be too careful.
I hope you found this helpful and informative.
****Wishing you all a Safe, Happy and Spooky Halloween!****
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Before you guys go all denying it and thinking up alibis, just read.
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.' Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'
~This showed up in my email today and I just had to share.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
So, I am making the executive decision and declaring a winner. We may not be able to put it together in time but it was the idea that I liked the best and the competition was stiffer than insert your own analogy here. And the Grand Prize Winner of an almost prize of some link love and a $25.00 gift card to Pizzeria Uno (if you want it and have one in your state) is:
Tom of Being Michael's Daddy Fame. His entry of Gilligan and the Skipper was cheap, easy, creative and sounded like too much fun. Email me at email@example.com to collect your gift card.
And now, another Surprise that happened this morning. A friend of a friend(and that makes her my friend- that's just how I roll) has been stalking around here and occasionally leaving a comment. She's a great chick who lives far away from me and has actually been to my home, twice. She's witty and quirky and funny and just someone you want to hang around with(gotta love the run on sentence). Today she became a blogger! I didn't know that she was going to do this. She didn't even know that she was going to do this. But judging from her first post, I think she'll do just fine(but not in the same way as Captain Kirk). So do a personal favor for me and check out Nonna's Nonsense, leave her a comment if you like it and check her out regularly.
That's all the October Surprises for now. Congrats Tom And Good Luck Shannon(a.k.a. Nonna)
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Once upon a time, a long time ago in a land far, far away(about 350 miles), when the Weasel family was much smaller, so small in in fact that they had not yet turned into Weasels. Just a Mom, Dad and and baby girl.
They lived in a beautiful old home that had been converted into four apartments. One apartment housed a family with teens. The teens were really nice and loved baby girl and were great babysitters. Directly upstairs was a single twenty-something who became a great Friday night buddy(and fellow X-Files enthusiast). Directly across the hall was a total and complete soul sucking, annoying, can't take a hint, understand personal space or time boundaries and her 2
ugly step-sisters daughters with equally endearing qualities. We shall call her Cheryl.
I was full time at home with a new baby. Cheryl was full time at home
with a welfare check all by herself when the kids were at school. We had so much in common she was sure we would be best friends. I still haven't figured out what she thought we had in common.
I had a new baby girl. She was my first. I needed time and space and naps. I needed privacy. All of you maternal types know what I'm talking about. The apartment was a wreck. I kept the shades drawn because half the time I was only half dressed. I needed time to find my groove. The last thing I needed was outsiders being intrusive.
Cheryl was at my door incessantly and stalker like, for no apparent reason. If you politely said hello in passing you were held hostage for the next hour. Mr. Weasel had no patience for her(after months of this). He usually was very impolite to her and said things to her that would make the average person never speak to you again, but they didn't offend or deter her in the least. I tried to remain polite, but cool. If we had to live in such proximity I wanted it peaceful.
So one very cold winter's night Mr. W and I cuddled up to watch TV under a blanket. Between shows Mr. W was going to the store to buy a pack of cigarettes so we could bundle up and hit the back porch. He pulled on a pair of jeans over the shorts that he was wearing*grabbed a heavy coat and headed out.
No sooner did he leave than Cheryl was knocking on the door. "Can I bum a cigarette?" was a regular mantra of hers. "Sorry, I'm all out. Mr. W had to go to the store, can't help ya". " That's okay, I'll wait till he gets back"(You so can't even make these people up, and they too have the right to vote- That's your October Scare). I stay in the doorway, so that she doesn't mistake an invite in and soon enough Mr. W comes back and immediately gives me 'the eye'. I move as to let him in and Cheryl takes the opportunity to follow behind him to continue chatting. Mr. W hands her 2 cigarettes in hopes of sending a message and she continues to chat.
Finally he had enough, and much to my laughter and entertainment, he thought of the perfect offense to get this person to actually leave. He announced that he was getting back to 'our show' and started stripping his jeans off in the living room. Cheryl started to freak and went running for the door, where she had trouble opening it because she was in such a state of panic.
I closed the door behind her and we both fell over ourselves laughing. It was the fastest exit we have ever seen from anyone. The other neighbors were happy to finally know the secret of how to get rid of her. After that night she never came around when Mr. Weasel was home and kept her distance more with me. And they all lived happily ever after......
*important fact to remember
Sunday, October 19, 2008
I got nuttin'. All my best material has been rejected for
making fun of my MIL offensive content. So rather than having you wait for actual quality, I will give you some fragments that can't sustain an entire post standing alone.
Flat WeaselMomma is on her first trip. That's right. BusyDad is playing host right now. I think I am having a great time and can't wait to read all about it at the Busy Dad Blog. If you would like to play host to Flat WeaselMomma and post on your blog about it, drop me an email @ firstname.lastname@example.org -Yes, some of you are already on the list.
My Almost Contest is still underway. There have been some great entries. There have been a few I have wanted to declare as winner. Mr. Weasel however, is being as indecisive as Imelda Marcos when choosing shoes. So keep em coming.
Recent conversation heard in the nest #1
Mr. W: You'll never guess who found me on, insert online social network here, today?
Me: Mikhail Gorbachev? Who?
Mr. W : "J"
Me: "JP"? That's great, how is he?
Eldest: Who's that?
Me: An old friend of ours from college.
Mr. W: And Mom's old boyfriend.
Eldest: EWWWWW, You guys are gross!
Recent conversation heard in the nest #2
Mr.W: Check out the cover of EW. It's the new Spock and Kirk.
Me:(I could so care less about Star Trek, maybe if I just give an appropriate 'uh-huh' he will move on to another topic): Uh-huh.
Mr. W: The new Spock looks good, but I don't know if the new Kirk does.
Me:(oh, plan A didn't work, maybe a mmmm-hmmm) mmmm-hmmmm.
Mr. W: Oh come on, just take a look. It's the new Star Trek.
Me:~ As I take a look at the cover~(Maybe I will actually go see this movie. I could look at him for an hour and a half.) He'll do just Fine.
Mr. Weasel starts laughing at me. I think he can read minds.
Well that's it for the slush pile. I hope this stuff comes off the bottom of your shoes.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Monday, October 13, 2008
It's that time of year again. The annual Weasel Home Halloween party. Every year we host a party for the adults. The kids get to have their fun, so we grown-ups should too.
I love Halloween. It's the easy holiday with no pressure. It's pure enjoyment and fairly easy to prepare for. A few costumes and a truck load of candy(there are a lot of kids in this neighborhood) and your all set.
The kids have their costumes all ready to go. We are kicking it old school and putting together our own costumes rather than the store bought rip offs like 'Drill Sergent Diva'. What is that anyway? There is no such thing. It's a $30.00 way to dress your daughter like a prost-i-tot. That's just not how we roll. Smallest weasel wants to be a vampire. That's old school respectable. But you can't just go by a $3.00 plastic vampire cape anymore. They will only sell you the $30.00 'Spider Vampire Diva' or the 'Vamp Tramp'. Once again, what the heck is that?
I don't have enough sewing skills to keep a button on, so I am stuck out in the cold. I bought a $10.00, one size fits all, red crush velvet hooded cape. It was the closest thing on shelves anywhere that I was looking for. And I will just have to trim the length or pin it up so that she can walk.
Anyway, back to the title. I am trying to think of what Mr. Weasel and I should dress as for the Par-tay. Every year we come up with something. But I don't want to go store bought or expensive. I want to kick it Old School and original. Last year we were Ted Kennedy and Mary Jo Koepeckne. Before that Wonder Woman and Super Man. This year I have no ideas.
Mr Weasel has always wanted to be Gomez and Morticia Addams. With me and my 5'4" being Gomez. I have vetoed this for years. I don't ever want to see Mr. Weasel in a long black dress and heels. Call me crazy, but that has too much of a ring of Maury Povich to it.
We've done the cheerleader, football player thing. I don't want to go the McCain /Pallin route. I am out of ideas and that's why I am asking for your help. So come up with something Easy, original, and cheap. If I use your idea I will totally hook you up with a shout out and some link love.
What the hell, we can almost call this a contest! It has a the elements. Except for a definite winner or a prize. Yeah, we 'll pretend it's My First Contest! Good luck kids.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
I the Momma, of the Monarch Kingdom of Weaselville, in order to form a more perfect household, establish justice, ensure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare and cleanliness standards,and to secure my own sanity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the Kingdom of Weaselville.
Article I - The Legislative Branch
All Laws and rules present and future are to be set by the King and/or Queen of Weaselville(Mr.Weasel and WeaselMomma). Bush Weasels(henceforth referred to as Weasels) may lobby the Monarchs, but Royal proclamations are final.
Article II - The Executive Branch(Presidency)
The Queen shall hold the office of the Presidency. She shall have ultimate decision making and Veto powers. BWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAA!
Article III - The Judicial Branch
The King shall preside over the judicial branch in deciding if rules, laws, and Momma Meltdowns are just(remember, the President's ultimate Veto power over all branches, hehehehehe).
Article IV - Separation of Powers
There is none, hahahahahahahahaha. All the power lies in the hands of the King and Queen.
Article V - Rights of The Weasels
1. RIGHT OF RESPECT
All Weasel have the right to be treated with respect. By both the King and Queen and By each other.
2. RIGHT TO FREE SPEECH
-Psych(had there for a minute, didn't I?)
3. RIGHT TO LIFE
All Weasels have the right to food, shelter and clothing in order to keep you healthy and alive. Not to be confused with being served meals, maid service, and laundry bitch.
4. RIGHT OF CRUEL AND UNUSUAL PUNISHMENT
Yup, so I wouldn't push your Monarch's too far
5. RIGHT TO DUE PROCESS
All Weasels have the right to justice. That is why we have a calm, rational and sensible Judicial branch of government. That can be VETOED(so my favorite power) if you push the WeaselMomma to close to the edge!!!!!!!
6. RIGHT TO PRIVACY
Silly you, there is no right to privacy in the Constitution.
Article VI - Responsibilities of the Weasels
All Weasels have the responsibility of completing school work to the BEST of
individual ability, Studying in a timely fashion and keeping the King and Queen informed of all aspects of your school career.
All Weasels have the responsibility of doing chores. Not limited to, but including keeping your room clean, taking care of individual pets, cleaning up after yourself and anything else the King or Queen ask of you.
All Weasels, having the right to be respected themselves, need to treat both King and Queen and Fellow Weasels, whether older or younger, with complete respect and decency.
4. PARTICIPATING IN THE FUNCTION OF WEASELVILLE AND FOR THE MENTAL WELL BEING OF THE KING AND QUEEN
All Weasels have the responsibility of collecting their own laundry to be washed when asked. Giving notice of lack of supplies to do said chores, wearing clean clothing or alerting Monarchs to any extra help needed/confusion with school projects/homework.
Article VII - PRIVILEGES OF THE WEASELS
To include, but not limited to, rides to where ever you would like to be, play dates, video games, computer access, and television access will be distributed individually based on your ability to hold faithful to the responsibility clauses of this Constitution.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Sunday, October 5, 2008
I am still trying to compose my thoughts as I type. This past week still has my head spinning like I just rode the Churl-A-Hurl. My suggestion to you is to have 2 or 3 stiff drinks before you read this post. It might make sense that way.
Okay, so I was
whining blogging before about making an awesome funny video post. But the tech team was less useful than a bag of rocks having difficulties. I am happy to report that said team(intern quit by the way, can you actually have a one man team?) has overcome the obstacle and was able to upload the video to the Mac(after only 10 days). However, as I sat anxiously hovering over Mr. Weasel's shoulder watching the download, it is discovered that unidentified Weasel decided to make a video of the back of Boy Weasel's head recording right over the V-Blog. We later convicted Eldest.
In other news, the spontaneous combustion experiment is continuing. No definite results to report, but that's not for lack of trying. I am looking into property taxes and real estate in Nebraska.
Smallest Weasel, in all her 4 year old glory, has found numerous occasions this week to tell me "Watch and learn, Mom". It does wonders for your self esteem to get pwned by a pre-schooler. Especially when she proceeds to show you what looks like like a pole dance using the refrigerator door handle. Anybody have some Mylanta?
Eldest Weasel has been uncharacteristically kind and affectionate to me lately. This is reminiscent of the Godfather kissing you on both cheeks. I'm just waiting to get capped. Last night she zapped Mr. W and I with a real zinger to the effect of being seen with us is less desirable than having spiders lay eggs in her nose. We're back to her usual attitude. Not sure whether to mourn this or to be relieved that things are back to normal and her affection was sincere, although temporary.
On Thursday I received a phone call from a friend(and part time Lia Sophia associate) to confirm that I am hosting a jewelry party for her on Saturday. "Yes, Yes I am". The only problem is I FORGOT TO INVITE ANYONE! Helloo, what kind of idiot throws a party without guests? WeaselMomma, that's who! I scramble through my address book, begging for people to have mercy on my dumbass self and get about 10 confirmed yeses in exchange for allowing them to laugh at my expense. Well that and the promise of food and beer. Shoof, I can wipe the sweat from my brow. That is until I am up to my elbows in food prep on Saturday afternoon and the phone is ringing off the hook with cancellations. Either some form of the Mongolian Death Flu is going through the neighborhood or they heard that I bought a case of Schlitz. In the end I had 3 guests. Who else could this possibly happen too?
Just to round out the week, yesterday we took the time to re-shoot the V-blog. After about 25 takes(and numerous out-takes) we called it a wrap. I got exactly what I wanted and I would get to post it here today. Well that's what I thought anyway. It seems that Smallest Weasel decided to play with the lighting while I wasn't looking and thus the quality has the same effect on me as the Churl-A-Hurl.
On a good note, this morning Smallest Weasel -pretending to be a cute little puppy- crawled into my room and up into the bed to give me a big kiss and hug with an unsolicited "I Love you Mom". I guess I won't hand in my 2 weeks notice just yet.