Toledo Air

After reading this, over at Half Past Kissin' Time I was inspired about what to blog today.

I have always been a fan of the practical joke. Not just the water bucket over the door variety, but the long running, well thought out, that makes you laugh for the duration kind of joke. This one is an absolute classic that I was only witness to but wish I could claim credit for.

In college, some of the campus housing consisted of apartments that housed 8 people. 4 bedrooms, a bathroom, a common living room and very little privacy. One of these apartments housed some friends of mine, who pulled this beauty off. Two of the guys ("Mitch" and "Steve") happened to be complete motor heads. "Lester" (the victim) was anything but a 'car expert' and a little too trusting and naive, especially considering the personalities of the people he was living with.

"Lester" had a tire that was low on air every day for a week. Little did he know that "Steve" was the cause of this. Every night on his way back to the apartment he would stop and let about 1/4 of the air out of "Lesters" driver's front tire. "Lester" went to the local gas station and filled the tire daily only to find it low again in the morning. So he took it to the local tire repair shop. The attendant found no problem, didn't charge for the check and sent "Lester" on his way. The next morning he finds his drivers' rear tire is low on air.

That night "Lester" goes to "Steve" and explains the tire issue and asks for an opinion and advice. With a total straight face, Steve asks if there is a slow leak that could be caused by a puncture. Lester tells Steve how he had the tire checked and now a different tire was loosing air and that he was now refilling his tires daily. "Steve" continues to ponder what the problem could be for "Lesters'" benefit. "Eureka! I Know what the problem is, You have Toledo air in your tires. Did you fill them when you went home to Toledo two weeks ago?". "No", replied
"Lester", "They were fine when I was home." " Hmmm, but were they originally sealed in Toledo?" "Steve" wanted to know. "Well yeah, but what would that have to do with anything?" "Lester" questioned with suspicion and doubt in his voice. So "Steve" proceed to explain that the latitude of Toledo being 5 hours north, had a different air density and thus pressure changes happen. The only solution was to have the tires resealed here at the lower latitude and and made up a convoluted explanation about how in reverse there wouldn't be a problem with pressure changes. "Lester" wasn't quite buying it, but wasn't sure. After all "Steve" knew everything there was to know about cars.

So "Lester" left "Steve" to seek a second opinion, completely unaware that "Mitch" had overheard the entirety of the conversation from the common living room and was trying hard not to convulse with laughter. After having the tire problem explained to him, "Mitch" asked the normal questions and then said "Wait, where were your tires sealed?". He continued to explain the whole latitude/longitude issue to "Lester", trying not to use the exact phrasing that "Steve" had.

That was enough confirmation for "Lester". The next day after class he drove back to the tire shop and insisted that they reseal the tires. The attendant asked "why?" and "Lester" explained how he had "Toledo Air" in the tires and how the longitude and latitude was the culprit of the problem and how his two buddies helped him to figure it out. The attendant burst out laughing and informed "Lester" that he had been had. "Lester was pretty ticked, but the rest of us laughed till we cried.

Semper FI

My friend 'Megan' of E-Harmony fame was a single mother for a handful of years. She has 2 children, hence referred to as Boy and Girl, who are friends with Boy Weasel and Middle Weasel. Watching a single Mom in action did not make me envious of the job. Between work and school nonsense she had very little and precious time to just hang out with the kids. Thus when she was home with them, discipline was not on the top of her to-do list. It was dinner, is your homework done, what school papers do you have for me?, limited time to clean house and hang with her homies, and bed to start all over again in the morning.

Boy and Girl spent a lot of time here at the Weasel Village playing with the Weasels and never gave me a hard time. I run a tight ship, but a fun ship. When they needed extra help with math, I pulled out the chips and cards and taught them Black Jack(this really works with addition facts). They always had fun here and always knew not to cross me or break the rules. There would be consequences. They liked me and respected me. I babysat for them often and they became some real favorites of mine.

But when they went home, they put their Mom through the wringer. With no other reason than they could. They knew she was tired, and that she didn't want to spend the limited time they had together yelling and punishing. They would call her at work about spats they were having (what can she really do from the office?). So after a while she would call me when they were giving her an especially hard time at work and ask me to 'have a talk with them'.

When it would get to this point, I would have to go all R. Lee Ermey all over their little butts. Respect for your mother, siblings need to stick together, etc. I never swore, but used a tone that would make any drill Sergeant proud and they will not soon forget. And got immediate results.

R. Lee Ermey

So one day 'Megan' is in her car with her Boy, while ranting to herself about what a real immature jerk etc, etc, her boss is being(we've all been through this). Her boy pipes up from the back seat. Why don't you just have Mrs. Weasel talk to him, that would straighten him out!

My efforts were not fruitless!

Aliens Are Real!!!!!!

This according to Apollo astronaut Edgar Mitchell. In multiple radio and television interviews yesterday and this morning.

This explains and clarifies many phenomena for me. For example, I now understand how come my Weasels never wake up in the same place that they fell asleep. Aliens must be playing a practical joke on me by rearranging the kids while they sleep! We've teased Middle Weasel for years now that someday the mother ship was going to come back for her, and now they just might.

Believe!

This helps me to understand the inability of the kids to follow simple instructions when I leave the house. It's now obvious that that's when the aliens visit and why my children have the phenomena of lost time when I ask "If you didn't put your laundry away while I was at the store, what exactly did you do?" and they respond "I dunno".

This also explains who left the bread on the counter, who left the legos on the floor at the bottom of the stairs and who put the milk container with 2 drops left back into fridge. Along with where did all the popsicles go?

Dr. Mitchell states that aliens have been visiting earth for years and that there was indeed a crash and cover-up in Roswell, NM back in 1947. Aliens have been studying humans and doing medical testing. Now I understand the confused/lost look in the eyes of the teenager at the drive through window when I request extra napkins. The tracking device in their brain is affecting their ability to complete simple tasks! Or they are not actually from this planet to begin with.

I think that aliens must be testing on household pets also. It's clear to me now that the tracking device in cats brains sends signals that make them go from lazy and sleeping to romping around the house like amphetamine junkies in .5 seconds.

Well if Aliens are here and if they among us, I also have a much better understanding of my Mother in Law.

Things That Make Me Go Hmmm........

• These are some things that really used to get under my skin. Whether I have mellowed and no longer give them importance or the kids have broken my spirit is an open question. But either way I have become 'Zen' about them. I list them in no particular order

Yesterday I went grocery shopping. I bought 6 peaches, 6 nectarines and 2 cantaloupe. Before I could get the bags unpacked and put away the peaches and nectarines had already been completely consumed, without evidence that had ever existed. Both cantaloupe were gone by dinner time. This is the normal course for produce in our home. Hmmmm.

My Weasels do not sleep in their beds. Even if they start the evening in the beds, by morning they have played musical beds and musical rooms. They move to each others beds, the floor, my room or the couch. But always in the middle of night when everyone is asleep. I don't understand it. Hmmm.

The Weasels also have an aversion to bed clothes(except for Eldest). I can make the beds with fresh clean sheets. It does not matter what fabric, color, thread count or character is on them. They tear them off their beds as soon as they crawl into them(even though they don't spend the night there), including the pillow case. This boggles my mind. Hmmm.

They hate when their bedrooms are clean. They prefer clothes and towels, both clean and dirty, strewn across the place. Even if I clean the bedrooms, within 30 minutes of seeing it clean, they will decimate it. Why I ask? "I just like it better this way" is usually the answer. So I let it go until it poses a fire hazard and they must keep the 1st floor and main living areas the way Mom likes them. That is the compromise to keep my sanity. Hmmm.

The Weasels do not like corn on the cob. Corn from a can or frozen is fine, but not on the cob. Go figure! Eldest Weasel is the exception here. She likes corn on the cob, but only before it's cooked. She also has braces and isn't allowed to eat it unless I cut it off the cob first. Hmmm.

Monkey Weasel will not eat sandwiches. She will eat bread. She will eat salami, bologna, etc. , just not together. Hmmm.

Well this the list that comes to mind at the moment, I am sure there are many more. Hope they made you chuckle. And feel free to add strange, unexplainable behaviors that your kids have.

College Fund? You crack me up kid!

It's no big secret that kids are expensive. Families the size of ours bleed you dry. Just caring for their basic needs equals the gross national product of a small island nation. An example of this is one day I was shopping at Sam's Club (I should just call this place the feed store). Had all the regular purchases, bought in bulk of course, ground beef, pork chops, chicken, hot dogs, buns, half bushels of fruit, etc. The man in line behind me commented "looks like someone is having a party". I replied to him "No, just grocery shopping" and proceed to help him pick his jaw up off the floor.

Hand me downs should be a part of life, but my little weasels were not considerate enough to be born at the same time of year or grow at equal rates, so hand me downs are few and far between. That is unless I let Monkey Weasel wear Middle Weasel's old tank tops and shorts to go play in the snow. And the department of child services specifically told me that this was not acceptable.

We also send our children to private grade school and high school. This is a huge expense that is hard to meet, but it is what's best for our family. From the time we drank to much, um I mean decided to have a large family we knew we would not/could not be paying for college. Mr. Weasel and I paid our own way, they can do the same. So we are trying to give them a helping hand now with the best education we can provide.

Also, you have all the sports stuff, sign-up fees, uniforms, equipment. Yesterday Eldest Weasel tried out for and made "All Stars Cheerleading Squad". We were really happy, proud and excited. Then found out that part of it is being in a parade in LONDON on New Years Day. Cost of the trip: $2,500! Not sure yet if she can make the trip.

Add to this that our Orthodontist sends us a Christmas card from Maui and a thank you note every year, and you get the picture. I don't say this all to complain, contrary, this is what we signed up for. But it's the set up for Boy Weasel's best one liner ever.

"Mom",said boy, "I don't have to go to college, right?"
Me, "No, but you should. It's a good thing"
Boy, "So what can I do with my college fund if I don't go"?
Me, "college fund? You crack me up kid!
This kid has a future in stand up.

Boy Weasel