Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Recipe For A Successful Morning

Let's face it, mornings aren't always smooth and easy no matter how well prepared we think we are for them. This is where experience is key. Luckily I, with 16 years of mothering experience, have come up with some helpful & handy tips to make life a little easier and today I shall share them with you.

  • Make sure that you wake up at 4:30am fully aware that the 4th grade Invention Convention project that you only found out yesterday is due today is only 1/2 complete. Wake crabby husband and groggy 4th grader. Work on it together.
  • Elicit the help of 6th grader to make and pack lunches while you continue work on the project. She is the most logical choice, in that she only ever does 1/2 of what she is expected, no matter the request.
  • Have husband volunteer to make up a can of soup for 2 of the lunches and then forget, so that when you open the microwave to extract the soup, it's not there.
  • Make sure to be fresh out of dog food so that the 75lb puppy can request a meal by jumping on you repeatedly over the course of 2 hours.
  • Have cats climb all over the tri-fold presentation board as you are trying to work on it.
  • Have 7th grade boy empty the dishwasher after he eats breakfast. Have him move like molasses so that this tasks takes so long that he can not be asked to finished making the lunches that the 6th grader only 1/2 completed.
  • Be sure to have the 5 year old wake up channeling Adolf Hitler, having missed his nap on D-Day.
  • Stir with a cranky, attitude filled teenager asking for money and a husband who must rush out of the door to get to work.
  • Listen to the news that the glorified rat Punxsutawney Phil claims to have seen his shadow and think to yourself, "He can't tell his shadow from a hole in the ground!"
  • Remember that it is primary election day and listen to a bombardment of commercials with all the candidates pushing a platform of "cleaning up corruption in Illinois and try to refrain from wetting your pants while laughing that hard.
  • Go wash up and change clothes because those fools actually expect you to buy what they are selling and that Illinois politicians are easier to bribe that a 5 year old with a sugar addiction.
  • Pack everyone and all of their gear into the car to head to school for the drop off. Bring a granola bar for the 5 year old, who didn't eat breakfast because she was busy throwing fits and getting wrestled into clothes, knowing that she will not eat it even if it was a Hershey Bar, because that is her mood. Warn them "There are to be no phone calls today".
  • Hit the store and buy dog food.
  • Head back home and realize that your system for doing busy mornings could help the world be a better place.
I should write a book.

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