Monday, October 12, 2009

Don't Think I'm Nuts, Just Desperate.

These past few days I have been in an awful funk. What should have been a relaxing long weekend at home, turned into a daily struggle just to hold it together doing bare minimum requirements.

As many of you already know, Our daughter Claire died a little over 7 years ago. That was a dark, horrible time in our lives and a struggle to just keep moving as time continued to pass by. Much healing has happened since then and much joy has also been felt in our home, but there is not a day that passes that she is not the first thought in my head as I wake and the last thought I have before closing my eyes at night. This is all very common and to be expected until kingdom come.

Every once in while though, you hit a bump in the road and a small trigger rips opens old wounds and fresh grief washes over you. Catching you off guard, like a sucker punch that knocks the wind out you. Unknown is how long it will take to catch your breath again.

Days (and days) of this also take you by surprise, because you have convinced yourself that you are far removed from grief this raw in nature. You try to take comfort in knowledge from past experience, that this level of pain and darkness will pass in a matter of days, but that is like telling a non-runner "only 26 miles to go". That is where I have been since Thursday.

When I find myself in this place, I tend to beg ask Claire for something, anything. Any form of closeness or contact to show me that she is close and safe. I know in my heart that she is fine, it's me that's not always close and safe, but as a mother you long for your children. You long to hold them and to hug them and I can't tell you how hard it is to have that luxury taken away. To know that you will never hold them again in this life brings physical pain and arms that truly ache with that grief.

About 4 years ago I found myself in deep grief and longing. I had been asking for Claire to throw Mom a bone, so to speak, for quite a while. Early one morning while Mr. Weasel was in the kitchen and I sat drinking coffee and watching early morning news, one of the Weasel girls, wearing yellow, fleecy, footie PJ's (Weasel's love footies) left the bedroom of Middle Weasel and Monkey Weasel and made a bee line for Smallest Weasels bedroom. Smallest Weasel was still a baby and sleeping in her crib. I whisper - hollered (all of you parent types know what I mean) "Get out of there! You better not wake that baby!". Mr Weasel asked who was up and I told him, that I wasn't sure. One of the girls and they better not wake the baby.

I didn't see or hear anything else, so I let it go. They must have snuck back to bed. Again, about 10 minutes later, a little girl with light brown curls and yellow footie pajamas left the girls room and headed into Smallest Weasels nursery. Again I whisper hollered "get out of there and don't wake the baby!". Within seconds, Smallest Weasel was up and crying for me to come get her out of the crib. I headed upstairs to her room, ready to strangle reprimand whoever had woken her. Only no one was in her room. I picked up Smallest and went into the girls room to see who the culprit was, only to find the girls (and all other Weasels) sound asleep in their beds and not wearing yellow, fleece or footies. It then dawned on me that none of the Weasels own any yellow PJ's of any kind.

I knew immediately who had woken the baby and as I relayed this information to Mr. Weasel (who overheard all of the exchanges, but wasn't in the room to see anything) I laughed with joy and observed "Well, she doesn't listen. She's one of them (a weasel) Why should expect any different?". This little incident brought me much joy and comfort. It was just the sign I had been begging hoping for.

So last night, after 3 days of feeling like I have been drowning in an abyss of grief, Mr. Weasel informed me that today when exiting the shower a young child passed through his peripheral vision running out of our bedroom (Weasels aren't allowed in our bedroom/bathroom without permission. Especially when we are taking showers.) He poked his head around the corner to see who it was, but there was no one. The door to our bedroom was still closed and all the Weasels were downstairs and otherwise engaged. It only took him a second to make the connection, but let it go as he was already running late to get out of the house to church.

He waited until dinner to mention it to me. He's not sure that he believes, but he also wants to bring me any form of comfort he can. I was comforted. And a little jealous. I long for connection and a visual, no matter how brief. I told Mr. Weasel if anything like this ever happens again, he is to tell her "Go see your mother!".

I don't look as this as a ghost story or these sightings to be ghost like. I believe that it's much more of a "Mom needs me and some comfort" and thus she gives us a brief visit from Heaven. It's not much, but it sure does help me to feel better.

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27 comments:

Jenny said...

I LOVE this! I am so happy to hear this, both for you and for me. I've never lost a child, so I cannot imagine how you have felt through these last seven years. But, I feel strongly that I've been visited by both my grandmother and my best friend from high school. I know how comforting that feels to really know they are with you, and I completely understand your craving a sign. Hang in there! I hope you get out of your funk soon!

terri said...

I don't think you're nuts at all. I completely believe Claire is visiting you and bringing you the comfort you so desperately need at times. I think it just shows what amazing faith you possess.

Tom said...

It's nice to know they have yellow footie jammies in Heaven, and that they let her visit once in a while to help mom know she's safe and sound. Neat story!

Laura said...

I'm so glad Miss Claire decided to visit, even maybe to prove a point to her Daddy! I hope she give you a pat on the shoulder next time (& soon) & please know that we pray for your family, by name, every night. Thinking of you, & please call ANY TIME you need to vent/whine/bitch/moan or cry!!

Cheffie-Mom said...

Wow. I have had similar experiences. I know how comforting it can be. Hugs to you and the Weasel Family.

seashore subjects said...

What a wonderful and mischievous way to say hi to the family.

Melisa with one S said...

I'm so glad you posted this yellow footie pj story. I loved it when you told it to me. I completely believe in things like this, and I know you're not nuts. Well, about this sort of thing. haha

Glad Mr. Weasel had a sighting himself; at least you've educated him on how to react the next time it happens. :)

xoxo

Mr. Man said...

WM-

I don't believe in ghosts either, but I do know that God sends us measures of comfort in ways our human mind can relate to. Sometimes its a feeling, sometimes its a visual, sometimes its what we call deja vu.

God knows your heart and your needs and He tends to address them in unique ways. Incredible story.

DMM

Heather said...

I think you'd be so surprised to know how many people have had similar things happen to them. I totally get this, I totally understand what you see. I get little signs from my Papa all the time-- It's the little things that help get us through the dark moments.


BIIIIIG HUGS.
xo

surprised mom said...

You are not nuts, you are a mom. God knows how deep your faith is, and Claire knows you need comforting every once in a while. They are both there for you. I'm so glad you get these ocassional visits from Claire. I can't think of a better way to recover from your funk. Next time you see Claire, and I truly believe you do, pass on my love.

Vodka Mom said...

I just got chills. CHILLS!!!!!

And my love, I can't believe that i didn't feel this heartache deep within you when we met. How did I not know about this?

Please accept my apologies, and my deep, deep love and respect. whew. I am sending you special prayers tonight.

PJ Mullen said...

Very touching post. I'm glad your angel weasel visits to provide you comfort.

Cyndi said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't even begin to imagine the grief. What a lovely post! I'm amazed that you are even coherent enough to function, let alone write so eloquently. I can understand how comforting these surprise visits must be and I would be jealous too. I hope she listens next time when her dad tells her to come see you. :)

Tara R. said...

I have no doubt Claire is visiting in your moments of great need.

Joanie M said...

Oh it was most certainly Claire visiting you. I have no doubts whatsoever.

My brother lost 2 babies at birth and a few years later, his wife (from a cerebral hemmorage). A year after her death, he had a "waking dream" where she came to him, holding the 2 babies and told him she was ok, taking care of MJ and Alex and he needed to get on with his life. He's been much better ever since.

Eric said...

I'm new to the weasel world, so I had no clue. But I enjoyed this story and will think about you and your family when I pray.

Ashlie- Mommycosm said...

Frequent lurker here...

I don't think you're nuts at all. I totally believe it was your daughter.

The Devoted Dad said...

I too am a believer that you get a visitor from Heaven. God works in wonderful, mysterious ways! - Jason

Oscar said...

It's amazing what love does. I have never experianced any kind of vision or sighting like that, but believe its possible. I do believe in energy. How that energy is portrayed can be many ways. I would think with a child your love would bring images from the spirit. Yeah, I'm an engineer. But truly understand that bond with your children. Good for you.

de-I said...

Anyone who has not gone through an experience really does not know what it feels like. And there does seem to be much more to this world than just the physical tangible aspect we call reality. So mark me a believer and happy for you.

Momo Fali said...

I am crying HARD. I hope that your sneaky Angel Weasel visits you soon and brings you more comfort. Until then, know that if I were there I would have my arms wrapped tightly around you.

Michelle said...

I'm so glad you got the comfort you need. It gave me the chills... and a great big smile at the end. *hugs* to you

Teacher Tom said...

I did not know about Claire, I'm sorry.

As I enjoy saying tell 8-year-old boys, love is the most powerful force in the universe. It's so powerful that even death cannot master it. Your love for Claire clearly conquers death.

Love on, sister!

The Father of Five said...

This is TOTALLY and COMPLETELY believable... I have no doubts that your "Angelic Weasel" is not far off at ANY given moment...

I had a very strong bond with my maternal grandparents... and I have had similar signs and events happen throughout the time I have been without them.

I have never thought of them as "ghosts" but more as "guardian angels".

I hope Mr. Weasel's "experience" brings you the comfort you were looking for!

Otter Thomas said...

Terrific and touching story. I am so glad that Claire comes to comfort you when you are down. She seems as adventurous and loving as all the other weasels.

melissa said...

my grandfather used to come and comfort me. after he died.
so yeah. i totally believe in stuff like this.
and yes, there is something comforting and reassuring about it.
xoxo

texasholly said...

I loved this. I am crying ferociously, but I loved it. I hope she listens to him...

Hugs from here.

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