Dear WeaselMomma

*Dear WeaselMomma is column that I write @ Dad Blogs, in which readers can send me advice seeking questions and I can inform them that if they are asking my advice, they are much worse off than they know.*

This edition of Dear WeaselMomma has been provided by "It's Party Time" and the letter Q.

Dear WeaselMomma,

How do I have a fantastic pity party for one? What would you serve? I’m not sure of the best pity party foods and beverages? Where is the best place to host it? What music do you recommend? And how can I let the person who is making me host this pity party know he/she has earned the number one spot on my all time “doo-doo” list? Waiting for your advice.

It’s Party Time

Dearest Party Animal,

I am not sure I am properly qualified to help you plan and execute a 'party for one'. Daddy files is actually the resident expert in that area and would most likely advise you to serve cantaloupe or any melon that has been warmed in the sun.

That said, I will offer you advice the best that I am able.

I personally would change the theme to a commiseration party, instead of a pity party. First off, parties are always better with guests and secondly, when you are having a tough time and feeling badly, friends are always good company to keep close.

What to serve all depends on whether you choose to do this as a breakfast, lunch or evening venue. I would host at your home to achieve that homely and cozy 'we are among friends' vibe going.
If you are thinking of a breakfast party you should serve coffee (all Irished up -of course) and beer for beverages along with bagels, cream cheese, very high fat coffee cake or anything else that you can just pick up at the store and don't have to actually prepare. Chocolate is great for these occasions, but you know how people feel about chocolate being consumed before noon.

If you are envisioning a lunch or brunch you should go with rum punch, mimosas and beer for beverage options. Serve comfort foods for the menu options, such as baked macaroni and cheese, twice baked potatoes and rice pudding. That's right, you need to carb load your tipsy guests so that they sit down in a comfy chair and keep great company for hours, as they are too tired and weighed down to actually get up and proceed with their daily responsibilities in life. You can sit platters of chocolate within 1/2 of an arms reach to keep the good times rolling indefinitely.

If an evening soire is more your thing, you need to go straight to the hard liquor and mixers along with a few bottles of highly pretentious wine so dry that Betty Ford herself exclaims "what the hell is this crap?" and beer. As far as food is concerned you can just set out a bowl of nuts and a plate of fake plastic food from the little tykes kitchen set that the kids stopped playing with over a decade ago. If your guests are coming over in the evening they are not interested in eating (hence, why you have chosen the hard liquor for this venue).

Now onto music. If this is a commiseration party, you simply go with country music. My truck cried, my wife lied and my dog died is sure to set the right mood for complaining about life's woes.

Finally, you need to let the main offender know of the party that you are throwing and that they are not invited to partake in your good times, friends and fun. The most mature and approriate way to get all of your points across simply and efficiently is with a great big raspberry! Trust me, you will feel better.

I hope that this helps with all of your party planing needs and that I receive my invitation soon. It sounds like it's going to be a good time.