Friday, September 19, 2008

Fun with MD's

Mr. Weasel and I should never be allowed in public together. We simply do not know how to behave. It doesn't matter how mundane the venue, we are like immature teenagers. We are the most inappropriate people that you would ever want to invite to your house for a cocktail party(but you would want to invite us).

This brings me to yesterday. We had made a cute "his and her" Doctor appointment. MW has been seeing this doctor for a while now. I had been avoiding anything to do with doctors for a few years. Anywho....we were going together so that we could start the Chantix quit smoking program together(yeah yeah, get over it).

I need a sense of humor in a Doctor. I can't stand Mr or Mrs Clinical Can't Crack A Smile. Be a real person damnit. MW assured me that I would like this guy.

So we are sitting in the waiting room, along with Smallest Weasel(none of you offered to babysit) and the geriatric set. It was like we were hitting the early bird dinner special. We are acting goofy and stupid as usual. None of this waiting patiently and quiet nonsense. We don't believe in decorum. MW pops a jolly rancher, as provided at the front desk, into his mouth and decides to 'make a basket' with the wrapper into my cleavage. Nothin' but net! The funny part was Mr. 40 yrs past prime across the room saw the whole thing and didn't need to take his Viagra that afternoon.

Soon we are called back. We both have to do the scale thing. MW makes a comment about the unpleasant facial expression expression I made when taking that step up. After that we sit and wait in the room, making stupid juvenile comments, making our own fun.

Doctor Straightman Funny Pants comes in, gives MW the once over and he's done. My turn.
MD: "How much do you drink?
Me: How much are you offering? I paid the cover. "about a case a week."
MD: Well only one a day is recommended for women, 2 a day for men.
Me: That's sexist!
MD: Yeah it is, but it's based on body weight.
Me: So you would encourage me to gain about 200 lbs.
MD: Yes.
Me: Okay, I can do that.
MD: You do know the definition of an alcoholic...Anyone who drinks more than you do. I'll give you 2 a day, after that it starts messing with your liver and heart. But You can't save them up for Saturday and have 14. Have the 2 or lose them.
Me: this is a sick joke, where's the hidden camera? This guy thinks he's a funny man. "alrighty then".
Smallest Weasel: "I have to go potty"
MW: I'll take her.
Me: woohoo!
MW and Smallest Weasel exit.
MD: Anything you want to tell me while he's gone?
Me: I used to be a man.
MD: who nearly falls of his stool. "I'll never tell".
enter MW and Smallest Weasel
MD: I'll start you on Chantix now, so you can do this together. But I want you back in a month for the full gown treatment. He can come back in 3 months.
Me: I was just kidding about the man thing.
MD: I know, but your overdue for an entire workup.
MW: He just wants to get to know better, without me around.

So we leave and MW gets to laugh at me about the 2 beer thing.
I may just wear a prom gown to my next appointment.

P.S. Over at Jenny's Happy Life there is a fantabulous giveaway that belongs to me. Check it out and drool, but it will be mine.

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Mike said...

I glad you didn't let the MD determine what an alcoholic is. That should always be between you and your liver.

Remember you husband is going to have to see the MD eventually and do the "bend over" with the greased finger exam. Not pretty...

Weaselmomma said...

No sympathy for that exam. He hasn't had a doctor examine him up to the elbow during labor with an audience of 14 other staff. Let alone more then once. He can handle "your going to feel some pressure".

Jenny said...

Oh...and...*GASP* SMOKE? I can't talk to you anymore.

No...just joshing. I was a smoker. Now I'm not.

Anyway...thanks for the 1,789 giveaway entries. You made me smile 1,789 times. Keep 'em coming!

Jenny said...

AND.........congrats on the quest to quit smoking.
AND.......thanks for the link love.

Tom said...

Good for both of you on quitting! It's going to be a rough road... but keep your sense of humor.

Loved the bit about MW making a basket. Does he try to dunk & hang in public, too?

Sleep Deprivation Ninja said...

That's harsh. Limit of 2 a day. It's like Weight Watchers for drinkers... nutty. Not that I drink often but I like to save it up for a one day bash :)

Bad Momma said...

Good luck with that! Nicotine is the toughest drug to quit. Sounds like a great family project!

Weaselmomma said...

Jenny, Just make sure I win the giveaway.
Tom, That's why we are no longer welcome to grocery shop together.
Sleepy, sounds like a vicious joke to me.
Bad Momma, We're going to try it together, hopefully this stuff is the wonder drug. If not I will be no worse off than I was yesterday.

And Nobody is aloud to obsess over the quiting, Extra pressure always works badly for me. If it works I'll keep you updated.

Mrs4444 said...

Mr.4444 picked up his stop-smoking pills today, too! We shall see... Good luck!

Anonymous said...

You should definitely not waste the two a day he has allowed! Jst make them heavy pours :)

Chuck said...

Do us all a favor and include that prom dress pic from the next visit will ya? :)

... and no pressure on the smoking bit though I hope it works for you both. I've been trying to fully quit for years. I'm down to about a pack a week.

Melisa said...

I think I love you.

Thanks for stopping by my blog. I'll definitely be back here. Just so you know, I'm throwing you right onto my blogroll (which I use as my reader) so I can regularly stalk you.

And you live in Chi-town too: we might be neighbors, so it's possible I could also start stalking you in person...

terri said...

NO WAY GIRL! That give-a-way is MINE! MINE, I tell you!

Ok, but I like you. I'll be happy for you if you win.

Can you tell I've already had my two for the day?

I like you and MW. You should come over and we can have our 2 beers together and be juvenile.

Wait, I might have already been juvenile today and posted it in video form on my blog.

But seriously, that was BEFORE the two beers!

Tara R. said...

I would so have you two over for cocktails or the better part of a case, if I saved up my allotment for the week. Whoot!

Good luck with quitting smoking.

The Microblogologist said...

My doc would totally freak out if I had a match like that and we came in as a set. I am his orneriest patient ever and he awesomely puts up with me. I sent him an e-mail asking if flomax* is right for me, he totally didn't reply. Maybe he is waiting for my appointment to tell me, or is jealous that I suggested something he didn't even think of for me, hehehe!


*Flomax is a prostate drug, told ya I was ornery ;).

Zip n Tizzy said...

He sounds like a keeper!
Good luck with quitting smoking. It's harder to kick than heroine (is what I'm told) but it sounds like you've got a good parner in crime.

Melissa said...

OMG, I'm so bringing you to my next doctors appointment.

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