Saturday, March 28, 2009

Thank God, I Survived!

The eulogy's that I received sure made me glad that I survived the Mongolian Death Flu. I couldn't possibly die now knowing that my legacy is this pathetic. The Weasels were relieved that I pulled through, although Eldest was visibly disappointed that she had to put her book deal on hold. She had already written the first chapter of "WeaselMomma Dearest" entitled How I Suffered for 13 years Without Texting. Poor girl had already planned out how she would spend her advance money.

I have time now to build a bigger and better legacy, but I will still award the $25 Amazon gift card that has been sitting in my purse for eight months collecting dust.

This was a hard decision that I couldn't possibly make. So I read them to Mr. Weasel and he chose without the knowlege of who the authors were. He rarely reads this blog so there was no danger of him having insider information.

And the winner of that dusty Amazon card is:

WeaselMomma passed away on Tuesday, having spent a week in a coma after being hit by a beer truck. Her family and favorite bartender were at her bedside when she passed. WeaselMomma was the Mother of 5 children, having unsuccessfully lobbied her husband for a 12-pack. "At least 11", she once said "that way we can field a football team." Her dreams of becoming a neurosurgeon were dashed in college after she drank her Sophomore year tuition before Thanksgiving break. Going to work for the Government proved to be the wrong career choice as she lost her first 8 government jobs after refering to supervisors as "Idiots" "Dolts" and asking one supervisor; "Did your parents have any children that possess a frontal lobe?" Afterwards she concentrated on raising her children and mobilizing the local chapter of The Pick-Up Truck Owners Society (PUTOS) to provide relief when local beer distributor trucks broke down. The Budweiser distributor was always appreciative; the Coors distributor said that they seemed to take twice as long as neccesary, and only 1/2 of the load would show up. In a related story, the Bud Light truck driver who struck and killed WeaselMomma has committed suicide. He said he couldn't live with the knowledge that he was responsible for killing such a wonderful consumer of brewed spirits, even if it wasn't his brand. In leiu of flowers, please double tip your favorite bartender the next time you go out for a drink. Visitation and Kegger will be Thursday; Bonfire, burial and wet tuxedo contest on Friday.

Written by none other than, NukeDad!

An Honorable runner up award complete with the 2nd place consulation prize of some link love, has been earned for this entry goes to Momo Fali.

WeaselMomma was born a coal-miner's daughter and grew up on a hill in Butcher-Holler. She spent most of her life barefoot, which inevitably led to pregnancy. FIVE of them. She was kicked out of the holler for exceeding the four kid limit and moved to Illinois where she raised her family and made money by showing videos of herself drinking shots. There may also be other videos of which we are not aware.

I am sorry this eulogy is five years late, but Weaselmomma was found dead sitting at her computer underneath a pile of laundry and dirty dishes. Her family didn't see anything out of the ordinary and had no idea she was there. Weaselmomma, you will be missed. Now everyone, onto the fun part of the funeral! Beer and comfort food!

Once again, I'm glad I made it, 'cause with friends like these.....who needs an enema?


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18 comments:

Tara R. said...

You and Mark Twain... great literary giants. "The
reports of my death are greatly exaggerated"

de-I said...

There you go WeaselMomma - a legend in your own time...and you didn't even have to really die to accomplish it.

Bad Momma said...

Glad you survived.

While these are both lovely eulogies, I'm not sure either one of these talented writers should give up their "day-jobs".

I also think when the time comes, I will skip the eulogy part and go right to the open bar I will have next to my urn.

Cheers!

Mike said...

Yeah, for all those who remembered you so fondly. I like the sound of the party to celebrate your life. I'll bring the fist keg...

terri said...

These are AWESOME! I'm glad I didn't find time to submit an entry. I could never compete with wit like theirs. Congrats to the winners!

Momo Fali said...

AGAIN?!! He beat me at something AGAIN?! Oh, it is SO on.

The Microblogologist said...

Of course you have to have a contest like this when everything gets crazy busy with work and medical appointments for me! And wow, seeing my blog in your side bar, I haven't posted in three weeks?! It'll probably be another week too given that this week I have Dad, Cheryl and Niecey coming, a stomach scope, and a committee meeting... Now that I think about it I should have a eulogy contest, or a "going away to the nuthouse party" speech contest! Anyway, your blog is the only one I am allowing myself to read until I make massive progress on cleaning my apartment to get ready for the invasion and on the manuscript I am supposed to be writing and the presentation for my committee I am supposed to be preparing... Better get to it!

Michelle said...

Those were some really great eulogies :) I love 'em! People know you so well....

nonnasnonsense said...

ditto what terri said (cuz i'm that lazy) except the part about submitting. i never planned on it because...

see, i'm so lazy i didn't want to type my reason :)

Mama Smurf said...

I'm hoping my eulogy (spoken in the next several days) will be but 1/2 that clever.

I'm dieing...death by hacking cough and fever.

Sue said...

So happy that you survived. You now still have time to pay Nukedad more money for an even better eulogy!

Mrs4444 said...

Those were awesome (is that bad?) My whole fam laughed heartily at Momo's "found at the computer, underneath a pile of laundry and dirty dishes..." I should save that one for mine!!! :)

Glad you're here to read these..heehee

Cheffie-Mom said...

Congrats NukeDad and Mom Fali! Great job!

Tom said...

Great eulogies, both of them. Glad you survived your plague! The interwebs have been too dreary while you've been away.

Oscar said...

Nice eulogy! Write it down. LOL

NukeDad said...

Whoo Hoo! Thanks for not kicking the bucket WeaselMomma! I mean, at least until you lick the stamp! I've already got that Amazon card spent!

See, I've got this pair of Killer red pumps, but I couldn't find a bag to match until just the other day on Amazon! Now; how do I sneak out NukeMom's prom dress without her knowing? Hmm...

Momisodes said...

LOL! Well done NukeDad and Momo Fali! So glad that you made it through to feel the love here :)

It's Daddies. Plural. said...

Hey There... Sorry for the delay, but I had to inform you that you - YES YOU - are the winner of the ItsDaddies.Plural. Fatherhood Friday Foto Fiasco! CONGRATS!!



http://itsdaddiesplural.blogspot.com/2009/03/fatherhood-friday-foto-fiasco-iii_31.html

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