My Fellow Americans, this week the Democrats are holding their National Convention. Next week it's the Republican's turn. I don't know about you, but none of the candidates are setting my heart on fire. So I humbly accept the nomination of the Weasel Party to be the party choice for the next President of these United States.
My Platform, my view on where I would take this country is as follows:
Say goodbye to the Death Tax forever. The Government taxes the heck out of us while we are alive, they shouldn't be allowed to double tax us once we are on the wrong side of the grass. Unless you leave something to the IRS in your will, they don't get squat!
All members of Congress and elected officials will be required to wear a shock bracelet. Every time they lie, tell a half truth, or spin the truth they will get an electric shock. The larger the lie, the higher the voltage.
I do not promise a chicken in every pot, but I do promise a martini in every hand. Every Friday I will open the White House lawn for Happy Hour. No matter what your stresses in life, taking some time to chill and regroup can only help.
I vow not to soil the carpeting in the Oval Office(At least not involving an intern.)
I will sign an executive order that will take away from Congress the power to pass their own pay raises. The people will be able to vote on the salary increases/decreases of elected officials.
I promise to secure the borders. This is just plain old common sense. This is a National Security priority. We need to know who is coming in, from where, why and for how long. We can debate later about what to do with the illegals who are already here.
I will hire Jack Bauer to head up the NSA, and Jack Ryan to Head the CIA.
I will build up our military back to cold war numbers and standards. The best offense is a good defense. Also, I will ensure that members of our military and their families have a decent and comfortable standard of living.
Speak softly and carry a big stick will be my foreign policy approach. If I wanted to be an EU weenie, I would move there.
I would make English our official(and only) national language. If you want citizenship, you must learn to speak it. You have 5 years to learn enough English to pass a cursory test. By then you should have at least enough understanding and skills to be able to say "do you want fries with that?", or better.
I would only appoint well qualified jurists to the Supreme Court. Jurists who can actually read the Constitution, understand what it says, and decide if our laws are in accordance with it. As opposed to those who, while acid tripping, find imaginary rights that are not actually in the constitution. (i.e., there is no 'right to privacy within the document. There is an expectation of privacy. 'Right' and 'expectation' are not synonyms.) Amendments to the constitution are the business of the legislative branch of government, not the judicial.
Vote for me and I will do my absolute best to make the government less intrusive in your pursuit of life, liberty and happiness. I will run an administration that will let you take charge of and be responsible for your own life and decisions. A government as described in the Constitution to be here for your national defense and security.
I humbly nominate NukeDad to be my Vice-Presidential running mate.
As a bonus, you will also get Mr. Weasel as your First Laddie, and that should make other world leaders very envious(he's got better legs than any of their spouses). Instead of Presidential pets like dogs or cats, we will bring hamsters, toads and Weasels into the White House.
Coors light will be the only beer served at State dinners. Makers Mark will be the official bourbon served. American made is the only way to go in my administration.
If you feel the urge to vote for me, than instead of flat out donating to my campaign, I urge you to bid on me in the Great Minivan Trade-Up.
God Bless you and God Bless America!