"I Think We Should Mix it up a Bit"

~ to quote the Evil Scientist of Phineas and Feb fame, Dr. Doofenschmirtz.

I usually try to keep it light and amusing around here, but today will not be light. We will be back to regularly scheduled blogging with the next post.

Claire Elaine Weasel
June 18, 2002 - July 2, 2002

A blogging friend has had the son of a close friend pass away. There is nothing amusing about that. But that has prompted me to post something I have been thinking should be mass distributed for a long time now. "A what not to do or say to grief stricken parents guide for dummies".

Some of you may know and some of you may not That Mr. Weasel and I are the parents of 6. Our daughter Claire passed away 6 1/2 years ago. Being the parent of a child who has died and working closely with SIDS of Illinois (feel free to make an online donation) ever since. At first receiving support that we needed to survive and now to help other parents to survive this tragedy, I have come across some stories of things people have said and done while trying to offer comfort that in actuality only caused more pain. So here are some helpful guidelines for you to keep in mind for future contacts with the grieving.

The only thing to say is "I'm sorry". After that you risk putting your foot in your mouth. People often feel the need to say something. Or the pressure to say anything. They wish to comfort, not harm, but often harm is the product. There is no bright side or silver lining to this situation. Parents that fresh in grief can see no positives and no future, do not try to make some up.
Examples of this include(and these are actual quotes said either us or other parents we've known):

• "They are in a better place."~ Platitudes don't help. To a parent who has just lost a child there is no better place for that child than with the parents.

• "You are so strong" ~ No I'm not. I am not doing this because I want to. I have no options. If I had an option, I would be taking it. I have no control over this. I am not breathing by choice. I am breathing because it keeps happening.
  

• "God must have needed another Angel"~ Ummmm, no. If God needed an angel he would create one, not take mine.

• " God won't give you a more than you can bare" ~ Yeah, then why are mental wards full of people drooling all over themselves in rubber rooms. I feel like at any moment my mind could say enough, without my control or consent any more than breathing, and I would be in the next padded room in the ward. God didn't do this to me, but it happened and it may be more than my sanity can hold onto. Eventually he will carry me through this, but that is an eternity away from me right now. Once again, platitudes don't help.
  

• " At least you can have more children." ~ This was not a goldfish or a hamster. This child is not replaceable. Even if they have 10 more children, they will never stop missing and mourning this one.

• "At least you have other children" ~ I may, and I love them and need them close. That does not alleviate my grief for this one. It does not make me miss this one any less. And I have the added worry of trying to console them in their grief and explain things to them that I am not able to understand while I am unable to care for even myself.
  

• "It's all part of God's plan for you." ~ Even if this is true , to a parent that freshly soaked in pain and grief, no reason that God has could be a good enough to cause this much pain. From my experience with people it takes a few years minimum, if ever for parents to be able to think in those terms.

• "I know how you feel." ~ No you don't. You can't. Unless you have been through exactly this, and then you can only know in part because people are so individual and so are the circumstances that surround the death.

• "I know how you feel, my dog just died" ~ Oh no you didn't just compare your dog to my child. It does not matter how close you were to your dog. It was a DOG! Unless you have given birth to that dog, then I can just call you a ...........
  

• "At least she died young, before you got to love her." ~ If this needs explanation, just click away from this site right now.

• "Well, I'm sorry anyway." ~ (commenting about the death of a mentally disabled child) ~ Anyway? I can't even comment further on this.
  

Now that we have established some what to and not to say, here are some to do and what not to do.

• Do not force me to try and eat. ~ I have no energy and no appetite. I don't want to eat. I want to die. Making me a sandwich will only make me angry or make me feel guilty when I don't eat it after you made it.
  

• Do go out and buy or make a fruit tray. ~ Just put it on the table and open it. As I sit or walk past I will pick at it without even knowing and I will appreciate it.

• Do not offer to take my other children out for the day. ~ I do not feel safe with them out of my sight.
  

• Do hang around and care for the children and take them into the yard to play. ~ I need them near and to hold them, but have no energy to care for them.
  

• Do not ask me what you can do. ~ I simply do not know and have no answer.

• Do clean my house for guests .~ Do not ask me. I will say no. Just quietly do it. Only stop if I ask you to. I will appreciate it, but probably won't even know how it got done.

• Do not hug a nursing Mom. ~ With no baby to nurse I am engorged and in physical pain. Hugs hurt.

• Do rub my back or hug me carefully from behind. ~ I need to be held.

• Do not be afraid of my tears. ~ For weeks and months and more after the fact I will cry. This is not a bad thing. Do not change the subject. Just let me cry and be there to listen if I want to talk.

• Do not avoid me when you see me in public. ~ Our first instinct as parents is to run. We do not know what to say or do. This only causes extreme pain to the grieving parents. We know we are your worst nightmare. We feel guilty for our child's death. Even when we could not have done anything differently or to change things. You avoiding us just convicts us. Trust me, we see when you turned in the other direction.
  

• Do not expect me to forget about this and get on with my life. ~ This is something that will never leave me and it will be a long and slow process to get back into the swing of things.

• Do have patience. ~ I will need your love and support to get through these next couple of years. Most support ends after a month or two. I need it for much longer. The pain does not dissipate as quickly as the support does.

• Do not ask "When are they going to get over this" ~ They will never get over this. They will eventually learn to how to live life again, but it will be a new normal that they find. It will take a long journey to get there. The pain never goes away, you just learn how to live with it and continue on. The first few years are extremely hard.

• Do remember birthdays and death anniversaries(and commemorate them). ~ The parents do. Send a card or make a phone call. Even if I don't answer, it's nice to know that someone else remembered and that you are not so alone. To know that your child meant something to someone other than yourselves and is remembered means the world.

• Do not be afraid to say my child's name. ~ Many fear that I am doing okay today and do not want to ruin that. But the truth is that I am always remembering no matter what else is going on and it's nice to have others acknowledge my child by name. It helps to honor them.

• Do make a charitable donation in my child's name. ~ The charity sends the parents a letter and let's them know. It means the world to know that someone else cared about my child also and cares enough to give something in hopes that other parents will not have to suffer this nightmare through the hope of research, and to support through bereavement services people like I who have been through this trauma.

• Do Pray for me ~ This is probably the kindest and most helpful thing you can do for me, whether I know it or not at the time.
  

I hope that you all bookmark this and save it for future reference. I do not expect a lot of comments. I am well aware of how this situation creeps people out and they avoid the topic like the plague, mostly because it is something they want to crawl away from as quickly as possible.
But sooner or later this won't be something that happens 'over there' to other people and will hit closer to home. At least now you will have some tools to use.