Tuesday, November 25, 2008

We Believe


Dearest Little Snot,
I am writing to you to inform you that, yes You UnGodly Little Beast, there is a Santa Claus!. I really don't appreciate you spreading vicious lies to my children about it all being a giant facade orchestrated by the Whole World and carried out by parents just to make you happy (wow, you are self absorbed). You are endangering my kids places on the 'nice list' by making them doubt because of nasty rumors.

Did you ever stop to think that maybe that's the way it works at your house because you didn't make the cut and are on the naughty list (and I am soooo not surprised by this) and your pansy parents just don't have the scrote to tell you? So instead they ditch the coal before you wake and place presents (that you don't deserve) under the tree so that they don't have to listen to your little whiny tantrum fit. They just don't want you to feel bad about about yourself or your horrific manners and behavior. This, by the way, is exactly what's wrong with kids like you today. It's like social promotion in schools. Can't read, can't write, can't add, let's promote you to the next grade level so you don't get your feelings hurt. You illiterate little bastadge!

In Our house we believe in Santa. We work hard to achieve Nice List status. We try to be kind to others and each other, not to get presents but because we should. We write letters to Santa and not just a laundry list of "I Want!". We leave a snack for him and his reindeer to try and make his trip as comfortable as possible. In return he leaves us the gifts that he thinks will bring us joy and help us to remember what we are indeed celebrating.

So I am giving you this warning right now. If you ever say something as asinine as this to any of my children again, I will take the coal that Santa leaves behind for you and show you how to make diamonds. 'Nuff said.

Update on the ad clicking campaign: $143.18 is the latest total. This is why I believe! Thanks again. This can keep growing until the 30th to arrive around Christmas.

*Clarification*~ This is only satire, preemptive satire, but satire nonetheless. If this had been an actual event my words would not be nearly this gentle and measured.

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20 comments:

Melisa said...

Uh-oh.

I didn't do it, but *still backing away slowly*.

Tom said...

Does this kid, by any chance, live on top of a snowy mountain and is covered in green fur?

Tara R. said...

My 19yo and 15yo still believe and still make the 'nice list' every year so they get presents from the Big Guy. You go girl... the little snot has it coming!

Nap Warden said...

Nice list=good:)

Well done on the clicking campaign!

Melissa said...

Yikes, when someone tells my little girlie that there is no Santa I'm going to come and get you and you can show me what I should do with this kids coal...;)

Cindy said...

Thanks for giving the little snot his/her due!! I believe!! :-)

nonna said...

wow, remind me not to tick you off
:) and of course there is a santa claus! how could somebody even think about saying something like that to a little weasel??

Michelle said...

I laughed all the way through this -- I'm dreadfully afraid of one of those snot nosed kids. Of course, our biggest issue is that we have quite a number of Jewish friends with children our age. Gotta love that!

terri said...

You love the Tim Allen movie, The Santa Clause, don't you? Admit it! I DO! I DO!

Mike said...

Somehow I am not buying that this is satire.

The Grinch unfortuntely lives everywhere and we all need to be prepared to take him down. No matter what size he is...

Train Wreck said...

Oh that is word we all should live by! Everyone should work to be on the "nice" list.

'cuz I'm the mommy, that's why! said...

We also believe. The 13 year old girl once espoused views to the opposite and was *gently* reminded that no believing would put her on the naughty list, and that I am lazy when it comes to the removal of coal from stockings

The Microblogologist said...

What annoys me is that my sister was all about having my niece believe in Santa (my parents are pretty anti-santa and she felt deprived), but when her ex and his family introduced the topic to Niecey the sis changed her mind and told her there is no such thing.

My doc is pretty convinced I am no longer a danger to anyone but myself with the plague and insists I should go home/to Michigan. If I feel up to the drive after I hopefully get some sleep I will be making the easternly voyage. My parents live about 35 minutes from your place, wanna get in with the in crowd and have a playdate cross-over event if I make it and am not all sickly and manage to get the time after we get back from Michigan? If I don't pass her on before you can totally wrench FWM from my custody ;). I'm thinking it could be fun to take her road trippin' before sending her off in a stuffy envelope (I am the hugest FWM hog!).

Karen

RhondaLue said...

Oh crap. Were you guys in line for the Polar Express Friday night when my 7 yr old stuck his head out the window to tell the people outside the train that the "North Pole" was a fake? Dangit...I knew we'd be blogged about.

But to our defense, he is still a believer--was just expecting to see a toy workshop and houses lit up rather than a piece of wood with lights inthe shape of a 2D house on it. hehe

sorry 'bout that! :)

KiniWoman said...

Love it! Let's get out the megaphones and shout it out to all the little snots of the world! :)

Mrs4444 said...

My kids figured it out from early ages (10 for Kyle and 6 for Kendall :( and I made sure to talk to them about how angry parents would be if they spilled the beans to their friends. I would hate to think that my kids were responsible for a parent having to end the fun early. I do feel sorry for kids who don't believe.

Big Bad Daddy said...

Walk Softly and carry a Big Sack.

Weaselmomma said...

@ Melisa ~ Smart woman you are.

@ Tom ~ We've all met one of these little brats.

@ Tara~ Glad to see your family has the spirit.

@ Nap Warden ~ I bet you make the good list.

@ Melissa ~ I'm here for ya.

@ Cindy ~ Somebody's gotta do it.

@ Nonna ~ yeah, it takes a lot, but is never a good idea.

@ Michelle ~ Just tell them that the Jews are the chosen ones, but we get Santa!

@ Terri ~ Love is a strong word.

@ Satire for now, but I'm prepared.

@ Train ~ The Nice List is where we all should want to be.

@ 'cuz ~ I really still believe. Not in the myth, but in the spirit. My ad clicking campaign alone is proof of people's good will. I will never stop believing in miracles.

@ Micro ~ I am so sorry that you grew up not believing. I would love to get together with you while your in town.

@ Rhonda ~ Always believe!

@ Kini ~ I'm guessing you were once a cheerleader.

@ Mrs4444 ~ You're kids are too smart for your good.

@ Big Daddy ~ You got it! You rock man.

OhCaptain said...

We believe.

BTW - Google ads tonight included Northern Tool & Equipment and Leggo. Thank you! What every boy dreams of.

Bad Momma said...

This reminds me of when a then 5 year old boy in my son's class announced to everyone at circle time,
"My Mommy says that Santa is not real!"
the teacher did not miss a beat & responded,
"Maybe Max, that's because your Mommy never saw Santa Claus!"

I did a post last year about Santa Claus, The Nutcracker & the Tooth Fairy. http://bad-momma.blogspot.com/
2007/10/santa-claus-nutcracker-
tooth-fairy.html

Needless to say, we believe!

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