Dearest Little Snot,
I am writing to you to inform you that, yes You UnGodly Little Beast, there is a Santa Claus!. I really don't appreciate you spreading vicious lies to my children about it all being a giant facade orchestrated by the Whole World and carried out by parents just to make you happy (wow, you are self absorbed). You are endangering my kids places on the 'nice list' by making them doubt because of nasty rumors.
Did you ever stop to think that maybe that's the way it works at your house because you didn't make the cut and are on the naughty list (and I am soooo not surprised by this) and your pansy parents just don't have the scrote to tell you? So instead they ditch the coal before you wake and place presents (that you don't deserve) under the tree so that they don't have to listen to your little whiny tantrum fit. They just don't want you to feel bad about about yourself or your horrific manners and behavior. This, by the way, is exactly what's wrong with kids like you today. It's like social promotion in schools. Can't read, can't write, can't add, let's promote you to the next grade level so you don't get your feelings hurt. You illiterate little bastadge!
In Our house we believe in Santa. We work hard to achieve Nice List status. We try to be kind to others and each other, not to get presents but because we should. We write letters to Santa and not just a laundry list of "I Want!". We leave a snack for him and his reindeer to try and make his trip as comfortable as possible. In return he leaves us the gifts that he thinks will bring us joy and help us to remember what we are indeed celebrating.
So I am giving you this warning right now. If you ever say something as asinine as this to any of my children again, I will take the coal that Santa leaves behind for you and show you how to make diamonds. 'Nuff said.
Update on the ad clicking campaign: $143.18 is the latest total. This is why I believe! Thanks again. This can keep growing until the 30th to arrive around Christmas.
*Clarification*~ This is only satire, preemptive satire, but satire nonetheless. If this had been an actual event my words would not be nearly this gentle and measured.
Backpacking with kids: 13 steps to follow
3 years ago