Monday, April 20, 2009

Diary Of A Captive

Day 5,396 ~ Most of my captors seem to be away for the day. They have left the Smallest, yet most brutal, to stand guard between my freedom and I. They have also tried to distract me against the possibility of escape by leaving an endless array of physical labor to be completed before they return. The punishment if these 'chores' are not completed will be most severe. I have learned the hard way, and will complete them.

My Captors do not follow the Geneva conventions. They each have devised there own special torture techniques to serve the purpose of keeping me mentally weak and demoralized. Each has their own style and they seem to constantly try and one-up each other for entertainment purposes. I also wouldn't be surprised to find out that they have a side bet going to see 'who can make her snap first'.

The mental tortures that they seem to enjoy the most are as follows:

  • Refusing to rinse out spit and toothpaste laden sink after teeth brushing has been completed.
  • Opting not to rinse off or wipe down dirty dishes prior to loading them in the dishwasher.
  • Handing me a large stack of school papers to be signed and returned 3.5 minutes before loading into the car to head to school.
  • Not handing over field trip permission slips prior to the morning of the field trip (complete with teacher request that I chaperon and a need for a sack lunch).
  • Complaints at 7:35 am on Monday of "I don't have any clean socks", after Sunday afternoon proclamations of "I don't have any dirty laundry, you already washed my school clothes!
  • Failure to inform me of being out toiletry items in their bathroom until 3 days after they are empty and leaving the empty bottles of bodywash or shampoo in the shower as decoys.
  • Using my toothbrush to exfoliate Barbie Dolls.
  • Placing freshly washed and folded laundry directly into the hamper instead of the dressers (maybe thy are just trying to expedite the process for me).
  • Calling to be picked up from practice 30 minutes early, only to have me wait for 30 minutes in the car.
I try to keep mentally strong in an effort to thwart these attacks on my psyche. I resist the brutality as best as I can. However, I seem to have fallen victim to Stockholm Syndrome. I have grown to feel sympathy and solidarity with my captors. Every May, they give me a day off and lavish gifts on me. That new mop they gave me last year really saved my back. Regularly they offer me their affections in the form of a cuddle probably just for the use of my body heat in the winter months. I love my captors and doubt that I will try to escape their clutches any longer.

Maybe I should just contact the U.N. and have them write a real stern sounding letter to the effect of "Please cease and desist in the act of psychological torture of your captive or at some date, yet to be determined, we will be forced to send you another letter". That should help.

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17 comments:

ciara said...

hey, i think your captors are at my house :-/

peteej said...

I thought my kids were the only ones to not wash out the sink after brushing. Thanks, I feel better.

de-I said...

Gosh and I thought the Visigoths were bad. I have even worse news for you. That second bullet about the dishes; you may be in for decades of that torture even after they've abandoned you when they come back to reprogram you.

Tom said...

Your kids put dishes in the dishwasher?

Bonnie said...

This all sounds very familiar. Thanks for letting me visit while Debbie has been away. Great blog.

Oscar said...

You are nuts! I Love it!

Melisa with one S said...

Yeah, I was on the phone with you during the last one.

And today I had quite the opposite problem. Check out my tweets. I think there is still steam coming from my ears, but at least the involuntary angry shaking is over & I have a steady hand for holding a glass of Jack and coke which I'm about to enjoy at some point in the next couple of hours.

Otter Thomas said...

I must be a captor. I think my wife could leave you a very long list of my tortures. If I keep it up she may actually swap roles and inflict some real punihsment on me.

texasholly said...

I loved this. Political asylum?

Darrin said...

My captors hand me permission slips and receipts 2 minutes before leaving for school. These usually require payment for field trips, lunches, shirts, fund raisers, treats, etc etc etc.

Geez.. and I wonder why I never have cash on me.

terri said...

And do they ask for lunch money as they're walking out the door too? I have been in your shoes! (What am I talking about? I'm still in them.) Stay strong!

surprised mom said...

I live the life and sympathize with you, dear captive. And it doesn't get any better when they get older. Instead of lunch money, it's gas money. Then when you explode, the captors pat you on the head. The U.N.won't help.

The Microblogologist said...

Wow, I did my own laundry, packed my own lunch, got up and ready for school by myself, walked myself to school (often with the younger siblings) in elementary school and then in jr and sr high I caught the bus by myself (hell hath no fury like my mother awoken if I missed the bus!). Anything that needed signed or paid for had to be done no later than the night before, waking Mom for something that trivial so does not fly! I was the dishwasher, as were my sisters. Wonder if my mother is willing to give lessons, how to get those weasels more self-sufficient so WeaselMomma has more time for blogging and twitter!

Jason said...

At least I don't have Barbie dolls in the house...

Michelle said...

Yikes. And to think this is what I have to look forward to :) Gotta love it. And let me know if that letter from the UN works.

So do you actually chaperone the trips when given that little notice?

Colleen - Mommy Always Wins said...

At least your captors put their dishes in the sink! ;-)

seashore subjects said...

It's the cuddles - they are an effective tactic that many of us fall prey to - those and the goodnight kisses!

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