Monday, August 17, 2009

And Then There Were Words

*Before we get started today I want to draw your attention to Big Bad Daddy Rant and his caption contest for this hysterical picture. Go click it, you can thank me when you get back.*

Any of you who have seen the livestream show that Melisa with 1 S and host together, Suburban WoW, are aware that I am unable to read anything at a distance of an arms length. You had heard me on the receiving end of a few friendly jabs about my eyesight.

Mr. Weasel has also been ribbing me for years about my inability to read signs at great distances. I ignore him. He has some kind of crazy hawk like super vision. I may need some mild prescription for reading, but my overall sight is just fine. I've never need glasses and haven't even needed an exam since 1992.

While making all the back to school appointments for rabies shots, et al, I decided to get an eye appointment for myself too. I figured it was time for my 17 year re-check.

After a quick puff of air in the eyes, the doc gives me some 3-D glasses to don and card filled with 10 separate sets of 4 circles each. "Tell me which one jumps out of each set. Right, left, etc", were the instructions.

Me ~ 1, left. 2, right, 3.......nothing is jumping.
Doc ~ Okay, go to 4.
Me ~ Nothing.
Doc ~ 5?
Me ~ nothing.
Doc ~ While visibly laughing at me ~ Okay, never mind. 1992 did you say?

Moving on to the semi-darkened room and the eye chart.

Read the bottom line.
Ummm, can't.
Okay, read the next one up.
E, V, G, T, H.
Em-hmm
Cover your left eye and read it.
E,.......V.........G?.......T..........H
You guessed.
Cover your right eye (and he switches screens) and read the same line.
You changed screens on me, just when I had it memorized.
Yup.
I can't read it. Let me use both eyes and I can.

Next step was to place some Mr. Magoo style frames on my face and switch out lenses. This or this, this or this, this or this......you know the deal. Doc hands me a card and points to section that he wants me to read with print so small it must have been a legal waiver of responsibility.

Me ~ I can't even tell you what language that is written in.
Doc ~ Well okay. ~ he grabs yet another lens and holds it in front of the ones I am already wearing.
--------And Then There Were Words--------
Me ~ Heck, that is English!
Doc ~ Read it for me.
Me ~ Only if I can hold it right here (about 8 inches from my face).

Doc, continued laughing at me.

Me ~ Okay, so we are talking glasses.
Doc ~ Oh, yeah.
Me ~ Do I have to wear them all the time? (the unspoken being, 'or only for reading or driving')
Doc ~ No, you don't have to wear them all the time. ONLY WHEN YOU WANT TO SEE! (Ba Dam Bump)

Bottom line, the Doc wrote me up for TRI-Focals, with a side of astigmatism.
I pick them up this week. If you want to see their public debut, you will have to tune in this Friday @ 10am edt/ 9cdt/7 pacific to watch Suburban Wow. Click right here for the quick cheater link.

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30 comments:

Melisa with one S said...

I knew that's what this post was going to be about! I am so excited that you'll be able to really take in my beauty the next time you see me. :)

Bad Momma said...

All you need now is X-Ray Vision & you're on track to being a Super Hero. X-Women? Just-Us League, Fantastic Five (or however many of us band together).

I've got the perfect secret lair / cover for all of us! (providing you count me in!)

Teacher Tom said...

I'm going to make my wife read this. She keeps accusing me of having "hawk-like super vision" too. I'm serious. Same phrase: and I DO WEAR GLASSES.

It reminds me of my in-laws who are losing their hearing, but keep insisting that modern movie actors don't enunciate properly. =)

Way to go. Can't wait to see 'em.

Vodka Mom said...

that damn old age.

Momo Fali said...

Welcome to the club.

WeaselMomma said...

@ Melisa ~ Your beauty may truly blind me.

@ Bad Momma ~ If you have the lair, count me in.

@ Teacher Tom ~ Yeah, I'm pathetic.

@ Vodka ~ I thought if you ignored it, it went away.

@ Momo ~ If there a gift basket/swag bag full of ben-gay and Geritol to go with membership?

Sadia said...

You and my eye care folks are obviously in cahoots. I just received a postcard informing me that I'm a year overdue on getting my eyes seen to. *grumble, grumble*

Mr. Weasel said...

What day do you pick them up? I'll make sure to grab some Geritol for you too ;p

WeaselMomma said...

@ Sadia ~ It's all a big conspiracy to get you in for your exam.

@ Mr. Weasel ~ If you do, I will make you big ice cream sundae with lots of ex-lax sauce.

Tom said...

What Momo said. I was laughing at my boss two years ago because he couldn't read some technical specs on things here at work. He said the print was too small. Now he laughs at me because I can't read them. Getting older sucks.

PJ Mullen said...

Just think, now you can do all kinds of dramatic pauses where you take your glasses off real slow and say things like "OH. MY. GOD.". I pretend to overact like David Caruso does on CSI Miami all the time, much to the dismay of my wife.

Cheffie-Mom said...

Join the club. My problem is losing or breaking my glasses. The last time I lost them they were on top of my head! LOL!

-Justin said...

Taking them off and chewing the end of an arm is very distinguishing, as well.

And what's all this talk of old age? I've worn glasses since high school! I thought of suing my parents for faulty manufacturing...

Melisa with one S said...

Mr. Weasel: Bwahahahaha! You two are so cute.

terri said...

Congrats on your new spectacles! Bet you'll look great in them!

Otter Thomas said...

I am completely blind without my contacts. I remember the first time I got glasses. On the way home from the doctor I commented on how I could see all the leaves on the trees now. I know exactly how you feel about seeing again.

WeaselMomma said...

@ Tom ~ I still contend that I am not old enough to be in the trifocals club.

@ PJ ~ David Caruso must wear cheap glasses or be very rich, or both. Mine cost way too much to chew on!

@ Cheffie ~ It's only a matter of time before that happens to me too.

@ Justin ~ Not just glasses, trifocals! I am no old enough for those, yet....

@ Melisa ~ Are you encouraging him?

@ Terri ~ Thank you very much. I will enjoy my new found sight, but hats and glasses do not look good on me.

@ Otter ~ That is the part that I am most looking forward too. Unfortunately, I don't think they make trifocal contacts.

Mike said...

Hate to say it, but it sucks getting old. I've got more reading glasses hanging around the house than you can shake a stick at...

Tara R. said...

So excited for you. When you get your glasses, you are going to be stunned by what you can see!

Just remember, until you get used to them, your depth perception will be off. Be careful about tripping.

Michelle said...

Yikes. My appointment is for Sept 11 or so. Now I'm afraid. *sigh*

So did you think about going the contacts route? Or Lasix? Or just pretending like seeing doesn't matter? I've gone with my (true) theory that because I have one eye nearsighted and the other farsighted that it all balances out.

Can't wait to see them!

Michael Podolny said...

Oh I love it.

"Only when you want to see"

LOL

Welcome to the world of bats. Start practicing echo location :)

surprised mom said...

I've been wearing one form or another of "reading" glasses since I was a teen. I'm dreading going to the eye doctor because I know it's time for some tri-focals as well.
And remember, We're not getting older. We're getting better!
P.S. I am so sad. Since starting the new job, I cannot join you on Suburban Wow. At 10 a.m. I am knee deep in patients, charts and computers. I really miss see you two live.

WeaselMomma said...

@ Mike ~ If only reading glasses were all I needed.

@ Tara ~ I'm almost afraid that once I can see I will find my home isn't nearly as clean as I think.

@ Michelle ~ I'm not sure I am even eligible for contacts or lasik. Van they put a tri-focal lense on a contact?

@ Michael ~ I like a doctor with a sense of humor.

@ Surprised ~ You will atleast be able to watch the re-runs. We'll miss you too.

seashore subjects said...

Way to go woman - you passed the single vision and bifocal and went straight to trifocal! I always knew you were gifted!

Stacey said...

You had me literally LOLing with this post! I'm afraid that's going to be me too! It sucks getting old!

P.S. How did the kiddos do with their rabies shots? LOL!

NukeDad said...

Sorry, thought I commented earlier. Did you know I'm 1/2 Indian and 1/2 Jewish? I'm part of the "So-sue me" tribe.

down pillow said...

That's hysterical! I love it!

Heather said...

WE TOLD YOU! ha ha ha ha ha ha!

I can't wait to see them ;)

Mrs4444 said...

Trifocals, huh? Maybe we should call you Weaselgranny? heehee They are going to take some getting used to--Don't try to do it all at once; just wear them for an hour or so and build up. Good luck. Can't wait to see them! :)

The Microblogologist said...

So I have 11 more years before I need to get mine checked... I got glasses when I was 20 and hardly ever wear them. I wore them a couple weeks ago in a meeting so I could see the presentation, they helped but either I'm not used to them or they are the wrong script. I almost failed the vision test at the DMV in April, I'll have to get them checked before my license needs to be renewed again. I am safe to drive I just have trouble reading street signs until I am almost on top of them...

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