Sunday, January 3, 2010

Cheapwads Chafe My...........

I have had it up to my chapped hands with green bathrooms. Ever since Al Gore nazified our toilets back in the 90's, before he discovered the internet and invented global warming, the corporate fashion of having green bathrooms has become so en vogue that it has completely run amok.

Now, I am all for waste not, want not, but what we have here is corporations waving the flag of environmental friendliness as a guise to actually just be cheapwads.

Case in point, the bathroom facilities at your local members only warehouse shopping mart.

Here you will find things so green, that they need not paint the walls to give you a sense of environmental tranquility, that is, until you try to use them.

First of all, the heat is kept at an energy saving 66 degrees. This saves them money right away in a two-fold fashion, A. They have lower heating costs and 2. Half the time I turn around and decide to just hold it rather than risk frost bite and icicle formations where I would rather not have them, thus saving on all water and paper usage while visiting.

Now if you are brave enough or desperate enough to use the facilities, you will enter the stall to find a funky looking commode complete with flushing instructions. Lift the handle upward to dispose of liquid waste or push downward to dispose of solid waste. What if you had hot wings for lunch or Mexican was last night's dinner? Do you have to hit a call button to get a judge's decision?

Either way, you soon reach for bathroom tissue and find yourself stuck with recycled John Wayne style toilet paper. You know, it's rough, it's tough and it takes no...yada, yada, yada. That stuff is so thin that you need to use half a roll and still wish you you wearing disposable gloves while using it.

* Side Note: Toilet paper should never be recycled.*

Now if you have figured out in which direction you should flush, you get to move onto hand washing supply rationing. The automatic faucets that I swear are operated by someone behind the mirror laughing their butt off as they watch you try to wash, lather and rinse you hands in a trickle of tepid water that they keep shutting off as you attempt to use it. I know they are there and I hate them.

If you are lucky enough to rinse off the soap enough to be ready for drying and have resisted the urge thus far to go completely postal in a public restroom, you have one of 3 options available. 1. The automatic paper towel dispenser that rations small sheets of recycled toilet paper that rip the flesh from your hands without actually removing any of the moisture and make you wait stupid amounts of time waving in front of them in hopes of 'Please Sir, may I have some more', before giving up and wiping your hands on your jeans, leaving them cold, damp and prone to becoming chapped, b. The automatic blower hand dryer that has been around for ages, takes forever and still shuts off before your hands are dry, leaving you to finish by wiping them on your jeans or spending 20 more minutes in the restroom under the dryer with an angry, cold, chapping mob lining up behind you, or 3. The Super Mega hand drier 5000 that threatens to blow the flesh right off of your bones with a jet engine that pierces your ears with 300 decibels and sends small children running and screaming in fear out of the bathroom and you have to chase behind them with cold, wet chapping hands because they are your children.

None of this is friendly to the user. Washing your hands in cold water is not green, it's cheap. Warm to hot water and soap actually kills germs comfortably for the washee. As opposed to dragging your germ filled hands around the rest of the store but it does bring you back into the store a few days later to fill your antibiotic prescription. The lack of decent hand drying options gets you to buy industrial amounts of hand lotion while you are in the store when your hands begin to crack and bleed and the most effective money saving cheap-o-matic device is making the entire restroom experience so awful that you opt out of using them all together in favor of a bladder infection.

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24 comments:

Janie at Sounding Forth said...

We must have been on the same page of toilet paper today. Go read my public restroom rant...

Teacher Tom said...

I used to have the job of running the faucets from behind the mirror. It was minimum wage, but man was it fun! =)

de-I said...

Speaking of hand dryers, admit it, don't you really want to ride around Chicago and find the World Dryer Corporation and find out if they really exist?

3 Men and a Lady said...

I actually LOVE the high powered blowers. They get the job done! I don't even bother with the other kind. Paper towels are okay, but like you said, rough.

Michelle said...

Wow. You're ummm bitter tonight, huh? You don't want to hang out at my house, as I keep it ummm lower than 66 during the day. But I'm SOOO with you on the other items. My company has those signs, and I've only JUST refrained from taking a picture of their stupidity. I always push down because some of us figured out that "liquid" really means liquid and up doesn't work if you have even a single sheet of tp in the bowl. I have worked out a great system for the paper towels btw. I signal for the towel while washing, grab it, start to use it, then signal for the second sheet, rip it of and pile it on top of the first one -- and usually I end up ok ;)

WeaselMomma said...

@ Janie ~ I will have to check that out.

@ Teacher Tom ~ I knew it! I just knew it!!!!!

@ De-I ~ That could make for a fun outing and video with Melisa!

@ 3 Men and a Lady ~ With all those hands you probably need to go all industrial powered.

@ Michelle ~ You ice queen you! You must not mind those icicle formations. =)

seashore subjects said...

Brrr. You paint a chilly picture of the bathroom today. Reminding me that there is no hot water in my team bathroom. I will have to hold it until lunch because the lounge (fancy name for room with vending machines)has hot water!

WhiteBullie said...

I hear you with the faucets! I'm uasually checking to see if the next faucets works by the time the first one starts to tinkle. I feel like I'm playing some kind of wak a mole game just to get soap rinsed off my hands.

Melisa with one S said...

First of all, I LOVE the Super Mega dryers.

Second, I'm up for a field trip! Well, when I get back to town I guess. :)

Tom said...

Next time you're at that same members only warehouse store, just stock up on "Depend" undergarments, to be worn during subsequent visits.
Voila! No more trips to their bathroom.

Tara R. said...

At several rest stops along the main interstate running through FLA, the toilets are stainless steel. Cold is trying to do your bidness without sticking to the seat a la A Christmas Story lamppost, knowing if you try to 'hold it' you have 50 miles until the next possible stop with non-stick toilets.

Green is not always good.

NukeDad said...

Google kicked me out again so you won't have to look at my ugly mug today.

I like the jet powered hand dryers! They cut my time in 1/2. I agree with you on the automatic sinks-they suck, but things could be worse; it could be like grade school when toilet paper was single donut sheets and the soap was powdered boraxo.

WeaselMomma said...

@ Seashore ~ Hot water makes a world of difference.

@ White Bullie ~ I highly discourage you from ever washing your hands in tinkle.

@ Melisa ~ They are effective, but too loud and you obviously never had to chase after a small child who ran crying from the restroom.

@ Tom ~ That works, but plays into the cheap and money scheming theme of the green bathroom. I spend more money in their store & don't make use of the facilities. We can't let them win.

@ Tara ~ Oh no, could you imaging the emergency response team that would have to show up during a Chicago winter?????

@ NukeDad ~ I miss you mug, without it I have a harder time laughing. At least the hot water worked in my old school bathrooms.

terri said...

I think my fear of public restrooms has saved me from an awareness of such restrooms. I'd be totally confused if faced with such a flushing mechanism! I avoid public restrooms at all costs and hence, have developed the bladder of steel!

Oscar said...

Well my friend, its the same in the men's room. This is completely out of hand. Look at the new 1.5 gallon flush toilets! Saves - water! Except you have to flush twice to get stuff down!!!

Oh i hate using GREEN bathrooms. It actually has me drinking less beer. So I won't have to stop and use one. WTH!!!!

Fun post as always and right onthe money! HNY!

Together We Save said...

Oh my word.... you hit the nail on the head... I hate the eco friendly bathroom. Really so you want to have to think about what you are doing in there... just flush, wash, dry your hands on your pants & leave.

Otter Thomas said...

Watching the skin on my hand blow around from the jet engine dryers makes me want to see someone use it on their face. That would be funny. The faucets on the other hand..not funny. I usually look like I am doing karate moves trying to get the stupid things to work.

James (SeattleDad) said...

Recycled toilet paper? Ewwww.

Too funny.

Joanie M said...

Green bathrooms have not hit TGI Fridays in PA yet. We do have the auto paper towel dispenser. They can be adjusted to give you more paper. The place you went to is just cheap.

Momo Fali said...

When we eat hot wings, we call our waste the "thin dirties". Maybe a quick up and then a solid down flush? Hmmm...I'm not sure.

And that stuff to wipe with? It is NOT toilet paper. It can't really be called anything but kindling.

PJ Mullen said...

Those hand dryers are a joke, which is why I now use them to entertain my son.

Huckdoll said...

The green bathroom has put the fear of god into my children and they absolutely refuse to go anywhere near them - especially those Super Mega 5000s, haha. Hilarious post.

surprised mom said...

Couldn't agree MORE! When did Green = Cheap? Cold toliets, recycled toliet paper (oh yuck), and 5000 megawatts of power makes you just want to go home and forget everything! Nothing like screaming when you sit on one of those toliets . . .

Southern Sage said...

BWahahahahahahaha
I thought I was the only one that had had enough of the global warming idiocy!

Especially seeing as they are forcasting in Florida where it has snowed once in my 38 years!

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