Monday, January 19, 2009

Teachers and Cops

A friend sent me this in an email. I don't know how true it is, but was way too good not to share. Enjoy!

These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded (but, boy, are these funny!)

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell. *personal Favorite of mine*

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week. *close 2nd place favorite, pot calling kettle, come in kettle*

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others. *Love it!*

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

16 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.'

15 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.'

14 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.'

13 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'

12 'Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.'

11 'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?'

10 'Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?'

9 'Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket. '

8 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'

7 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.'

6 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.'

5 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'

4 'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?'

3 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'

2 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.'


1 'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.
Sign here.' *I had no idea I was being taped!*

* These are my add on comments*

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Melisa with one S said...

You know, I struggle so much with writing my report cards for my second grade religious school class: it would be MUCH easier if I could let loose like that! ;)

Heinous said...

Those are great. I would personally love a teacher with a sense of humor like that. Some people consider me a little 'off' though.
I love the police one about the birth certificate too. At least we know the cops weren't reprimanded.

Oscar said...

One of my favorite sayings is, "He's outsmarted by gravel" now i have a few more gems to use! Thanks

Tom said...

Hilarious! I have my doubts any teacher could get away with frankness like that these days, without risking a lawsuit. The cops, though, another matter entirely.

Weaselmomma said...

@ Melisa ~ Have a drink before you do the paperwork and post the results.

@ Heinous ~ Those were pretty good, and I'm a little 'off' myself. I would be fired too fast if I were a teacher.

@ Oscar ~ That's a good one to file away.

@ Tom ~ I doubt the internet source, but funny stuff nonetheless.

Cheffie-Mom said...

"You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?" --! LOL!

de-I said...

Posting at 5:10 AM - You weasels go on the hunt early!

Personally I love #12

honeypiehorse said...

I love the one about selling at 50 too.

Weaselmomma said...

@ Cheffie ~ You kill me and you're right!

@ De-I ~ Early riser I am.

@ Honeypiehorse ~ That was classic.

terri said...

You know at least some of them are true! These are awesome!

Michelle said...

A friend of mine taught in CPS for a few years. She wasn't cut out for teaching. She's shared a couple of the comments she's made before. I don't think they were quite as witty as these, but definitely cutting.

Cops #7 is DEFINITELY one I'll need to remember for the wee ones ;)

Sue said...

Those are very funny!
And cute pic on your previous post!

seashore subjects said...

Now, now you know that not only would we never say that about our students, we would never even think it! Those darling teens, brimming with attitude - i mean potential! LOL.

'cuz I'm the mommy, that's why! said...

from the world of law-enforcement related quotes - you don't want to know how many of those I've actually heard said by officers!

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