Saturday, January 17, 2009

WeaselMomma Calling Margaret, I'm Not God

I am a good friend and a good listener, or so I've been told. This has many benefits. You manage to pick up a great many details and insight into people when you take the time to listen. If you pay quiet attention when someone is speaking about their problems and hear them all the way through, you can spout out any kind of fortune cookie/cracker jack/horoscope kind of advice and they will think of you as the Dali Lama. This has it's perks.

The downside of being viewed as a great listener is people feel free to talk to you about anything. And. I. Do. Mean. Any. Thing.

Seriously. What makes you people (no, of course I am not talking about you. You are the exception - eye roll) think I want to hear about all the TMI stuff? Really now, unless it it gut busting funny in a completely embarrassing, humiliating, self-deprecating kind of way, i.e. this or this, I. Do. Not. Want. To. Know.

Do not feel it necessary to tell me 'Aunt Flo' came to visit, unless it happened very publicly and unexpectedly in the middle of a vampire convention. I do not need the blow by blow of your issues with constipation without a story line including a campground and 12 interested pre-schoolers, and a lack of facilities or privacy. The bomb squad being called would be a plus.

If your breasts are tender and swollen, keep it to yourself unless they got there in a very unconventional type of way that I can make fun of you for. If your crotch is raw, only tell me if it happened by way of a freak accident with a cheese grater. I do not wish to here about marital relations unless you wound up in a neck brace. I don't want to know that you use Preparation H unless your spouse confused it with the toothpaste.

I really have no interest as to what kind of underwear you sport, unless it managed to cause an accident in a major intersection, involving a truck driver who was very excited or it was blocking his entire windshield. Do not tell me anything about your tampons unless your kids put them in a cage and named them as pets. Your dogs troubles with worms can be kept to yourself, unless it involves your mother - in - laws carpeting.

This is not to say that you can't turn to me with a personal problem. I am here for you. Here's an example of a acceptable exchange:
You: I'm all crampy and have a headache.
Me: Here's some Advil.
(Now we change topics)

Now please keep in mind that funny and absurd, like this and this, are acceptable. It you have the need to share these types things, without the benefit of a punchline, feel free to talk with your doctor. He gets paid to listen to this kind of crap.

Clarification Update: This is only a jest. Just the scary crap that pours from my head and amuses me. Completely not reality based. Just an excuse to link to 4 different gut busting funny posts. This concludes our jest of the Weasels Don't Get Paranoid System. This was only a jest.
Mr. Weasel said it sounded angry and funny, I was just going for the latter.

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13 comments:

The Microblogologist said...

Just imagine if all of the above scenarios were in one blog post and 100% not staged... Being a science major it is not too uncommon for people to ask for my advice on their health issues, if it is microbial in nature I can sometimes give insight but I so don't know anything about hemorrhoids or stuff like that, lol.

Momo Fali said...

What if you use Preparation H for bags under your eyes? Can I say that? I mean, not that I use it, but I hear it's good for sleep-deprived women. Which I am. So, it wouldn't be out of the question for me to use such a thing on my face. And, not that I have any, upstairs, in my makeup bag, or anything, but just in case it should come up...can I tell you about it?

Tom said...

I'm desperately searching my memory... "did I post something TMI? did I write about some private incident? Think, man!"

Hoping I have not offended... will keep your advice taped to the computer monitor from now on.

Weaselmomma said...

@ Micro ~ If they were funny, I would probably rupture something laughing.

@ Tom ~ No way! This is purely comic effect and an excuse to link to 4 different funny bodily posts. Remember, just because you are paranoid doesn't mean they are not out to get you.

@ Momo ~ Totally tellable!!!! Mr.W didn't believe me when I told him he could use for puffy eyes, he thought I was setting him up.

VW said...

Well, then you'll certainly appreciate me rehashing a story from a certain road trip to Florida, since it involved my humiliation of ralphing on the side of I-95 while shouting for you to fully stop the van (you had just gotten your license as I recall). Not to mention your eldest weasel (a darling 2 at the time) throwing up on the way there AND on the way back. Ahhhhhh....those were good times. Neat, neat fun. :-)
-Velta

OhCaptain said...

Oh, all the things I NEED to tell you. I did one post about Aunt Flo. One. And I didn't really even talk about it. I can't stand those posts either. I do like posts that aren't about sex but are really about sex. Those are funny. I think funny is the key. And long posts. They really need to be long. Long can be really funny. I once read a post about someone's runny nose. It wasn't funny. It was actually just sad and like a train wreck. I didn't enjoy it much. Kinda like this comment though. Seemed to go on and on and on and on and I just couldn't stop reading cause I thought there was going to be a punch line, you know, something that was really funny, but it never happened. Not ever and I kept reading that blog day in and day out looking for something funny for a punch line but it never happened. At least they had a cool banner. Not as cool as yours, but it was still cool. Oh, and there site wasn't yellow either. Yellow makes for a cool color on a blog. You know my blog is yellow too and designed by Nap Warden. She does really good work. And her prices are fantastic. That's why I had her do 2 of my blogs.

What was I talking about?

Never mind.

terri said...

I would love to be a fly on the wall of your brain and witness how a cheese grater and one's crotch happen to come together.

NukeDad said...

Am I the only one a little creeped out by Momo's comment? Now she REALLY can't get mad if someone calls her Butt-face. ;)

And, Momo, I've heard it also works well for your nose at the pool if you ever run out of zinc-oxide.

Michelle said...

Uh-oh. 1) You're the second blog I've read on this exact post today and 2) I just posted about my finger needing stitches yesterday and it wasn't one of your gut busting funny ones. Oops. I think I crossed the line. Nahhhhh... that eye roll COULDN'T have been meant for me! ;)

Melisa with one S said...

Remind me to keep the conversation light when we next meet at Woodman's.

Now I'm totally paranoid about our breast-feeding conversation. Oh wait, we were making fun of something together, so that's okay, right? LOL

I enjoyed this post, especially because you put a link to my blog in it: I can't lie. :)

Weaselmomma said...

@ Velta ~ Not that was funny! Ahh, the memories.

@ Captain ~ Zzzzzzzzz, oh, I'm sorry, what?

@ Terri ~ Then your retirement savings would have to be redirected to therapy bills.

@ NukeDad ~ Would it shrink your nose at the same time?

@ Michelle ~ You didn't leave me a link to the other post!

@ Melisa ~ As long as we're laughing, it's good!

Mrs4444 said...

I found it HILARIOUS! Perfect. Love you...

Father Muskrat said...

Okay, so your linking me means you do or do not approve of my TMI? I think you enjoyed it, deep down.

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