Thursday, January 29, 2009

Just 4 Easy Payments of $69.95, Plus Shipping!

Waking up as early as I do, I often find myself flipping through the channels while waiting for the morning news to start. Most of the offerings in this time slot are infomercials. I must say that many of them entertain me. I don't understand how this is effective advertising ~ I really have to wonder about some people out there ~ but I do find them humorous. They really are insulting to the intelligence of anyone capable of tying their own shoes.

One of my favorites is for the Heat Surge Roll-n-Glow Amish fireplace. This is advertised as a flameless fireplace that plugs in(Electric, Amish, Irony) and is room to room portable. An authentic piece of Amish handmade furniture. It gets even better, through the course of the program they are filming (through a soul sucking, against their religion TV camera) the Amish craftsman in the workshop. They are complete with Amish garb (store bought and brand spanking new) and fake beards. The Amish themselves have placed a strict limit of 2 per household on this 'not sold in stores' special offer. Wow, who is actually falling for any of this.

Another that makes me laugh is one in which they pretend that it is not an infomercial, but in fact a talk show. They strive to emulate the format of The View. Four women sitting on a couch 'grilling' a man sitting in between them about his get rich quick by signing up for my bull*$&% scheme book. The best part is at the end of this faux interview. This is when he wipes his brow and laments about how he was lucky enough to make it through such a tough and grueling interview. It makes me chuckle every time. Who are the people that actually think this is real?

Another relentless loop in the infomercial fabric is the doctor who is being interviewed in the Larry King with Boobs format all about his plan to make your colon the happiest place on earth. His recommended, self developed product will make you healthier, you'll lose weight and you're colon will sparkle and sing! Your pants will fit better and you will finally expel that filet mignon you ate on your anniversary 14 years ago! This always gives me a case of the giggles. He's telling me I'm full of Sh@%! Don't people know that eating bad clams works in the exact same way?

And then of course there's always lots varieties and flavors of "We have the perfect solution for the hair challenged individual". These are always amusing, especially the one that forgoes transplants that don't work and costly serums that you have to use for the rest of life with minimal results, in favor of spray paint! It looks so natural the legally blind won't even notice at 50 yards distance!

The only conclusions I can draw from these middle of the night experiences are that #1, I am easily entertained. #2 Advertisers believe that anyone up during these hours must be a total moron.
C. Bald people are insomniacs and have Spackle filled colons.

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25 comments:

Momo Fali said...

I like to think that my colon IS the happiest place on earth.

Cheffie-Mom said...

Momo Fali's comment just cracked me up!LOL! Have you seen the commercial for the Snuggle, the blanket with sleeves? Always brings a smile to my face.

NukeDad said...

I've got a good recipe for a colon cleanse. Email me. It works better than dysentery.

Heinous said...

I guess the Amish will never have happy colons since you know...no TV.

janed21 said...

My ultimate favorite infomercial is for "The Bullet"! Have you ever seen that one? ONE-TWO-THREE pulses and you have the perfect chicken salad or muffin batter! It looks like they spent the night partying hard and everyone has a hangover. THEN out comes mom with her cigarette half in ashes as she bends over a plate of food to test it. OMG... I'm mesmerized by that one!

Mike said...

My wife and I crack up watching these ads. We both joke because almost all of them have the tagline of "But wait..." and then there's some great additional offer.

As a joke we started it in our home. When dinner is served someone chimes in "But wait..." and then there is an offer for dessert or something like it...

terri said...

Wait... you mean to tell me that it's not the real Amish people making those heaters?

Tom said...

And yet, people buy this stuff by the truckload every day. They are convinced to part with their good money by these antics.

I think I might be in the wrong business. I can sling the bull as well as anyone, I think. I could be making some serious cash!

Mama Smurf said...

My colon desperately want's a smile on it's face...maybe I should look into that.

de-I said...

The Amish fire place thing is the most bizarre ever.

But come on admit it - you really do want a Shamwow!

Kat said...

Can I feel my colon smiling or should I tell my underlings to pull their heads out of my... a well I just have to hope it is happy and singing.

Melissa said...

Who new that a colon could be clean and sparkly. Maybe that's been my problem all along :)

Big Bad Daddy said...

We haven't had broadcast television or cable in years but I do recall a skit from In Living Colour back in the '90's(?) Where Jim Carrey spoofs "The Juice Man" infomercials, it was hilarious, he throws his socks in and juices them, and who could forget Damon Wayans as Homey the clown.

OhCaptain said...

I'm sure there is 75 pounds of gunk in my colon since I don't believe in cleaning.

I can't stand those commercials. Real coins of Liberia? Male enhancement (personally some of my favorites...shh), shamWow! I can't remember the last time I was motivated to not just turn the channel and wonder when MTV stopped playing music videos.

Tara R. said...

We are watching the same informercials. That Amish fireplace is creepy. I've always wondered why the Shamwow guy has to wear a 'Madonna' mic if he's on a television commercial.

The Microblogologist said...

I keep getting spam e-mails about the colon cleanse stuff, I can't remember if it says I'll lose 10 or 20 pounds. My goodness would I look horrid, though I think I would still be too "fat" to be a supermodel! Cholera definitely would get that job done, or less exotic Salmonella, and if you don't mind blood then some E. coli O157:H7.

Confession, I have the magic bullet, I have not used it for most of the weird crap they made in the commercial but it has worked great for everything I have used it for. Being a single serving household it is kinda nice not to have to use a standard blender for just a little bit of stuff. It is a good thing I am cheap and lazy since a lot of that stuff amuses me and makes me curious if it is as awesome as they show it being!

Weaselmomma said...

@ Momo ~ Can we get an 3rd party opinion? UR2 Funny!

@ Cheffie ~ She makes me laugh too. Father Muskrat got a Snuggie for Christmas.

@ NukeDad ~ Ummmmm, does it have to do with Mr. Weasels's soup?

@ Heinous ~ At least they don't know what they are missing.

@ Janed ~ Sounds like I missed a beauty.

@ Mike ~ But wait, order now and.....

@ Terri ~ I hope I didn't shatter any dream for you.

@ Tom ~ We could form a LLC and make millions.

@ Mama Smurf ~ A happy colon makes happy.......um nevermind.

@ de-I ~ I actually own shamwow! It was a mall special thing, lol.

@ Kat ~ For the sake of the underlings, I hope it's sparkly.

@ Melisa ~ Yeah, it's just all that babyfood of your youth spackled in there.

@ Big Bad Daddy ~ There you are! Is the no broadcast thing by choice or no local service? In Living Color was a hoot!

@ Captain ~ I'm holding out for the "colons of Liberia" collection.

@ Tara ~ I think he secretly want to wear a cone bra too.

@ Micro ~ You can't afford the weight loss of a clean colon. You better keep the spackle.

seashore subjects said...

It is the mini-infomercial that get you! Every time there is a spill, my son tells me I should buy a WOW! product and it will be all cleaned-up! The infomercial people would be rich if 9 year-olds were ordering!

Oscar said...

But WAIT, there's more!!!!!

Bad Momma said...

I haven't seen these commercials. The fireplace sounds cool. Shame about the 2 per household limit. We don't get cable, could you get me the phone # to the "Amish Workshop" or perhaps direct me to their website? The Amish are well known for their craftsmanship, I would love to see how that baby is wired.

wornoutwoman a.k.a. Kimberly McKay said...

The colon one is seriously gross...I hate those info/talkshowmercials. Hey I left you a response to your question on my blog but I'll leave it here too...
It's available through Amazon. But yes, you can order it at B&N...they'll order it in and ship it. So I'd ask them how long it will take. Selfishly, Amazon is better for me due to the rankings that get better when people buy through them.

Hmmm...I had a thought....how many are in your group?? Maybe I have some here I can sign, and ship to you?

email me at: kimberlymckayauthor@gmail.com

Sabrae Carter said...

Gotta love infomercials!

The Microblogologist said...

It will stay spackled unless Doc's GI Doc somehow convinces me to have the same procedure as the esteemed NukeDad. I thought about forwarding one to Doc but decided I don't have time to get locked in the psych ward at the moment ;). Besides it is an obvious scam, those feet detox pads are totally where it's at!

Michelle said...

Wow. Early. Waiting for the news to start. Wow. SOOO not me :)

And I love infomercials. They so sucik me in, but I've never bought antyhing from them. I love the ballet bar one. And the Kyocera or whatever it is that is the body shaper one. And the Magic Bullet. They just make me giggle.

Chris Pugh said...

Heat Surge is an established company with millions of satisfied customers whose focus is to exceed customer expectations.

Amish people throughout our region in Ohio, which has the largest Amish population in the United States, are working more with small businesses, according to a recent New York Times article that talks about the change.

Those Amish, including the people who work with us, are balancing their values within the marketplace.

Here’s a link to the story about the Amish.

New York Times story

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