Monday, July 7, 2008

So, Who's Prepared For Me To Share Too Much?

Being a member of the estrogen club I have the yearly honor of a trip to the OB/GYN. *don't stop reading here fellas, this actually goes some where good*. For those of you not in the club, let me explain some of the high points that we women look forward to.

First off, at home we take extra care with grooming and maintenance. We select our nicest undergarments and socks (socks being the only item of clothing that the Dr. will actually see) and apply our make-up with extreme care. This ritual perplexes Hubby.

After a prolonged stop in the waiting room (where there is an unspoken agreement not to make eye contact) a nurse calls you back to make you step on a scale, take vitals, and ask you questions that you would make a Marine blush. She hands you a small cup and sends you to go tinkle in it. You head to the restroom and attempt this stunt without getting it all over your hands. When you return to the exam room the nurse has laid out for you a thin paper table cloth and instructs you to strip down to your socks. She leaves and you wait on the tissue paper covered exam table, with your butt sweating from nerves, for what seems like an hour in the drafty exam room covered in nothing except a table cloth waiting for/dreading the main event where the Dr. comes in and almost immediately becomes more intimate with you than your spouse. All the while acting like this is no big deal and you do this as often as he does. You barely speak and then distract yourself by counting ceiling tiles. This is the worst part. You are just a slab of meat and play along. Well that's not my style. I've never been the one to ignore the elephant in the room.

Still with me guys????? Don't wimp out now.

I have been seeing this particular Dr. for a few years and couple and kids. So luckily there is a level of comfort in the Dr/patient relationship. He and I have been in this position many times before. But, this experience still sucks.

So, on my last humiliating check-up I was left waiting sweaty, naked and chilled for quite some time. This gives you plenty of time to think really stupid thoughts. When he finally does the knock and enter (never understood that) we do the cursory hellos. I then mention the draft in response to "How are you doing?". I continue speaking as he gets comfortable and pulls out the stirrups and I suggest that he should really supply a wine and cheese tray in the waiting room. "Why is that?" he asks as he gently pulls me down by the thighs into position (this part reads like porn, eh?). My response.................."Because then I could say, at least you bought me a drink first!"
He damn near fell off his his little stool.

Hope it was worth it fellas!

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Tom said...

Having been married twice, and having dealt with two daughters entering puberty, I have no reason to shy away from this kind of topic.

I'm thinking you're on to something with the wine & cheese thing. If it were guys having to go through that, it'd be beer and pretzels.

BusyDad said...

OK, that was too funny. And trust me, I'm a professional and a proud honorary member of the mommy blogging mafia. I've read through much worse without as much as a shudder.

Chris H said...

Now that is just too funny! Last time I saw my family doctor he had to do the same sort of examination and I asked him if he would show me his if I showed him mine! He declined, funny that!

Sexy Housewife said...

Hmmm...reminds I need a check-up.

I had an female OB for a while that had pictures on the ceiling to look at during the exam. Very thoughtful, I thought.

Wine and cheese would be good. If I skip the cheese, can I have two glasses of wine?

'cuz I'm the mommy, that's why! said...

I want wine and cheese too! Better yet, banana daiquiris. My doctor likes to tell jokes. After 15 years though, I'm starting to get some repeats!

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